The past month or so, I’ve been trying to establish a morning routine that wakes me up and prepares me for the day. Part of that, and a side quest i’ve been pursuing, is learning to read Tarot cards. So I do a reading every morning and then journal it as a way to process and lay out my thoughts and feelings. I like to think of the cards like an old sage you go to for advice. It’s not going to decide your life for you, but it will make you think and consider things you haven’t thought of before. Today is January 1st of 2021 and I did a normal daily reading this morning, but I feel that it is perfect for reflection and to hold in mind for the future. Today was Inner Strength and Balance, but I think it’s important to note that two of the three cards revolved around Balance.
As I reflect back on the last year, I started with an overabundance of ambition and eagerness, followed by a deep pit of despair, and then what felt like an unending floating in nothing, ending with a full charge push forward. All intermixed with mild to severe panic attacks and at least two full breakdowns.
Beginning with Strength, and not physical aptitude, although it wouldn’t be horrible if I started trying to do something about these flabby arms of mine, but Inner Strength. Even in this card, which depicts a woman sitting with a lion, there is a sense of not just power as a large cat like a lion would possess, but also compassion and grace, as the woman would possess. For Inner Strength comes from controlling the two in harmony. You know, that intuition to know when to be firm and when to be soft. Both are needed to successfully navigate life.
One of the warnings that came with the cards today was to be cautious of the bright glittery promises for they may be just a mirage. As I look back at where I was last January 1st, I find this to be wildly applicable to my personal life. It’s good to be excited for the future, but it is unwise to throw caution to the wind. I thought I would be starting the New Year with a brand new job and more income, and I had bet so much on that that I forgot to consider, I might not get the job. What a blow that phone call was. Again, I find that it takes a healthy balance between thrill and deference to wisely move forward. One of my cards was the Queen of Cups. She is often depicted standing on a cliff or sitting on a throne holding a cup. She represents intuition and standing between our thoughts and our feelings. Considering the various angles and coming to a solid decision. Falling into line with the balance theme, She represents deference and perception. Understanding your thoughts and feelings and how they interact will help not to make foolish, emotion driven choices.
We all had a rough year, some far worse than others. Most all of us entered 2020 thinking we were going to take on the world in the new decade. Instead we dragged ourselves through the year longing for it to end. Some lost income, financial stability, hope. Worse are the poor friends who have lost loved ones this year. I hit a low point in the Spring when the lockdowns were issued and my coping mechanism to regulate my anxiety was taken from me. I had to find other ways to manage that were still safe. I know others who toil with their mental health also struggled hard this year. I mentioned I started the year with high hopes and no sense of caution, which was then shattered. Followed by the beginning of the pandemic and the lockdowns. I had another job opportunity that was now in limbo because of the pandemic and I spent months feeling like I was floating in an intermediate space. Not going anywhere, just existing there. I felt that I should be grateful and forced myself to be content. Our income had been cut, but we still had one. I knew families that were having to move into parents’ basements because they had lost their jobs. I felt helpless in this because I couldn’t help them, nor could I make the virus go away so they could work again.
In the Summer, the limbo ended however, and I began working. I was stoked. I had something to get up and do every day! My mental health was bound to improve. I’d be moving every day, and I figured that had to be ogod for my physical health, plus this meant my new income would fill up the loss we’d experienced earlier. Then I started online classes shortly after, and it was a full speed ahead to finish before the end of the year. In addition to the baseline stress of the pandemic and the multiple policy changes that it caused, throwing myself into something with no room for error or rest was not necessarily better for anything. I began to fall behind in personal relationships, in my writing, and in recreational activities I enjoy.
Coming up to the last couple months of 2020, I began to focus on my inner peace, and to finally fully grapple with what I actually believed. I stopped speaking to my mother during this time so my mind could be clear. That set off an entire chain reaction that I am now going to have to stop ignoring and putting off. I began trying to meditate and journal again. Finding the balance, deference, and peace makes way for the strength and courage I need to go forward and accomplish the tasks I want to and need to.
Opening my Tarot Reading app and seeing a splay of cards that all said Strength and Balance reaffirmed in me this desire to continue down this path I’m on. Like it was a tiny reminder that this was good and right for me.
So to 2021, I hope you find the perfect Balance for a healthy and strong life, as I keep moving to find Balance in mine.
Dose of Sunshine 