family

I’m Proud to Tell You

Andi

Everyone! I am very proud to tell you I have been asked to contribute to a Women’s Health Platform called Positively Balanced.

This is a wonderful resource designed by women for women as we help each other in our various journeys. If you have any questions, interests, curiosities go check out the website.

There are also some comfy tank tops for sale in the store. I have one, and it is luscious. I love it.

Compared to some of the other women working on this project I feel woefully unqualified, but I am so excited for this opportunity as well! I’m thrilled for the challenge to better myself.

Please, take a moment to bop over and give the website a gander. Check us out!

The link to the website is here:

http://www.positivelybalancedllc.com

family

What defines a Good Friend

Andi

Starting at my earliest memories, I had two best friends. I think I had other friends, because there are photos of me with other people, but I can only genuinely remember these two. I still have contact with both of these individuals through the invention of social media. One of them I have no other contact with outside of that. We never chat. The other we do interact over social media and occasionally chat over text or call.

In my teenage years I had a lot of friends. I remember being told that as an adult I’d only have a few friends, that a few good friends was better than many shallow friends. I thought it was total nonsense. I had a lot of friends and I loved all of them and thought they all loved me. I must simply be extraordinarily fortunate because I had many good friends. Most of these friends were from church or from the Summer Missions program I did with Child Evangelism Fellowship. Quite a few of these I still have minimal contact with via Social Media. Some, I’ve completely lost contact with. A handful I’ve purposely cut contact with. There were two I considered my best friends and a family I thought of like my own family. One of these best friends and I had a falling out over a relationship I thought was not good for her and which she wanted to pursue. She is no longer in this relationship, but we never rebuilt the friendship however and only interact over Facebook and the like.

The family and other friends I had within the church have all but fallen away. They were the biggest hurt I felt after leaving the church. They had been the people who loved me, who said they’d be with my through thick and thin. Some even claiming my other relations weren’t true friendships, only they were my true friendships. And I believed them. I believed they loved me and whatever I did or whatever happened, they’d still love me. But the harsh reality was they wouldn’t always be there for me. They would all disappear like a morning fog as the sun warms the earth. As soon as I left the church group, they left me behind. Even so much as to ignore me when I did come around as though they’d never known me. Some of these people I have purposely removed all contact with, a small few I still have social media contact with, but do not talk to otherwise. Only one of them has made any contact with me since I left the church. One out of the approximately 20 strong friend group we had developed.

After I had children my friend group changed again. Not to add mom friends, I didn’t have mom friends when my kids were really small. I kept the friends I had. Some had had kids by then and some hadn’t. I couldn’t fully explain to you what happened. Maybe it was the result of the kids. I had a few friends who became more and more shallow to me. It appeared to me they were putting up this fancy I’m-rich-and-super-spiritual façade and I had no energy to keep up with it. Their appearance was incredibly important to them and it just wasn’t to me. I think it started to produce a distance between us until it became a canyon. One of them, who actually had kids as well, met up with me at a splash pad. We sat next to each other on the same park bench and didn’t say a word to each other. It was awkward. We didn’t know what to say to one another anymore. The only conversation we had was instigated and revolved around the kids. We haven’t spoken since. Although I do still have social media contact with these people, its very minimal and mostly nonexistant.

By the time our family moved out of the state I’d grown up in, I only made a point to see three people before I left. One of them was the group of elderly people who always came into the cafe I worked in to have coffee after their morning walk. Another was a single friend I’d kept contact with, but admittedly hadn’t seen much of. When we made the move for some reason I guess I assumed people would still keep in touch despite the distance. The people who really cared about me at least. No one did though. I didn’t know anybody in the new state and nobody I knew in the old state bothered to keep in contact. I was overwhelmingly lonely. I watched an unhealthy amount of anime and Spongebob.

I knew I had to put myself into contact with people to make friends, so I joined a MOPS group. I was placed at a table with the exact right people. It was an instant connection with most of them. Of course I still have internet connection with them, and I see them on regular dates and get togethers. And then, someone I’d known years ago during my Summer Missions time got in touch with me and told me she wanted to just talk. We still text every month or so and catch up about what’s been happening. She and I both have kids of similar ages and know each others families. One person, I’d made contact with in a Facebook group happened to live close to me, and I decided to meet for coffee. She and I have several similarities, and the meeting was good. We’ve started to develop a friendship from there, but it’s still very young.

Through all of this, there have been a couple constants. My other best friend and I have been through some rough patches and had issues over time, but we have also been able to grow and build a strong relationship. He was the third person I made a point to see before we moved. The same time we moved, they moved in the opposite direction. That put quite a bit of physical distance between us. But we manage with regular phone chats. Of course with social media and texting keeping in contact has made long distance a little easier. Now, I would say he is my only best friend. My husband and I also have a friend he met through an old job. We lived next door to them for a while, and since moving have met and been befriended by their family. They were such a magnificent help to us during our big move. Our relationship has relaxed and become more casual. We’ve gone on a few double dates, and usually just lounge about when we hang out. We of course have contact over social media, but most of our contact is face to face or through a phone call.

I’ve seen a lot of friends come and go, and quite a few I still have at least some kind of contact with. But social media contact alone isn’t a proper gauge for a friendship. You don’t have the deep connection from that tiny thread of contact social media provides. Neither does seeing someone once every few years when you make the trek back home and come across them while you’re there visiting your family.

What does classify a good friend?

I always go back to a quote by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

There have been only three people on this earth that I have always felt completely safe with. People I’ve never felt the need to perform for or display only pieces of myself to appease them. My brother, my best friend, and my husband. I have more than one brother, but only one of them do I feel close too. He and I are the closest in age and spent the most time together growing up. We, I think, have the closet relationship out of the siblings. My best friend, the one who I went through that hard patch with, I have never felt awkward with. Even during that time, I had no fear about detailing to him why I was angry with him. And my husband. Even when we first met and I had butterflies galore and I was crushing on him, I never felt afraid of him. I was never cautious that if he knew me completely he’d break up with me. So, I never held anything back, and I still never do. He may be irritating sometimes, but he is still my biggest comfort.

Another trait many people associate with friendship is loyalty. Will that person be with you through thick and thin? This is certainly a good thing to consider. I’ve found more often than not, the answer is no. The term “fair weather friends” didn’t just make itself up. People are willing to ditch their friends for any myriad of reasons. Their new boyfriend didn’t like them, or they didn’t like the new boyfriend. You have a child and they didn’t and don’t feel relatable to you anymore. You separate from your spouse and they don’t approve. You don’t end up separating from your spouse and they don’t approve. You discover you have differing political views and they can’t stand you anymore. You start going to a different gym. On, and on, and on.

I’ve also learned people tend to all have very short term memory. They probably will not remember to give you a call or send a text. Once you no longer have consistent contact with someone, they won’t bother to keep in touch. It seems to just be the norm. When you leave a job, most of your coworkers, even ones you were friends with, will probably fade away because you won’t be put in contact with them everyday at work. When you graduate school, it’s not likely you will keep those fellow classmate friendships you had. You aren’t running into them and looking them in the face regularly, so you drift apart and forget each other. It is just what seems to happen. The old adage, “out of sight out of mind” is apparently true for human relationships. This is probably why when I was younger I heard several times, long distance relationships don’t work. Apparently, most humans can’t hold onto relationships from far away.

Some may say a good friend has similar interests, is trustworthy, is honest. And I’d agree, but I’d also say that all of those kind of roll back into the person you feel safe with. That person who you have no fear of leaving because you told them a dark secret. A person that understands your humor is someone you are comfortable with. A person who can hear your story, love you, maybe give you some hard honest advice, hug you, and help you move forward. That person, is your comfort and safe zone.

But I will say, a good friend is a dependable friend. The one you can count on to be there for that hard moment, and the good moment. Sometimes, stuff happens, especially if you and your friend have kids and dates have to be cancelled. But when a friend cancels every date one after the other, or simply doesn’t show up, it wears you down. You can’t rely on them to make it to a scheduled date, or at least text you before and let you know plans have changed. How will you depend on them when you really need them? When you call scared and alone, are they available to you? When you need advice, are they willing to chat? Everyone has schedules and everyone is busy, but are they always too busy for your friendship? If you need help, do they tell you I’ll call you back when I’m not swamped and we can talk or do they just ignore you and never call back. Can you depend on them at all? That is a marker of a good friend. Can you depend on them.

Going through life, particularly if you are an emotional or empathetic person, you will develop bonds with people. And even if you know in your head how humans work, losing one of those bonds hurts. It can wound you deeply. I know that I for a time didn’t want to meet any new people. I was afraid of making friends because why should I if they’re all just going to abandon me? I, apparently, put way more meaning into a relationship than the other person does and time after time, I’ve been burned. It makes me overly wary of new people. I’ve lost a friend over a boyfriend. I lost a friend over religion. I lost many friends over church. I lost a friend over a false rumor. I’ve been wounded and not sure if having friendships was even worth it. I don’t trust new friends.

But humans need other humans. It’s just how we are made. If I lock myself in and refuse to have contact with people, my anxiety amplifies, it grows, it starts to over take me. I need to be outside. I need nature. And I need friends. We all need friends. Study after study has shown that social interactions help not only our mental health, but physical health as well. A study done in Alameda County, California of more than 7,000 men and women, begun in 1965, Lisa F. Berkman and S. Leonard Syme found that people who were disconnected from others were roughly three times more likely to die during the nine-year study than people with strong social ties. We need to be around other human beings.

So I’m learning that out of all the connections I’ve made throughout my life, most of them will probably melt away. I probably won’t have the same relationships in 10 years as I do right now. But out of those many, I’ve made a few deep connections. I’ve had to go through a lot of friendships to find the ones that really stick. So the adults in my teen years were right. I do only have a few good friends, and that is better. Because they are my comfort, they are loyal and they are dependable.

And that really is what a good friend is isn’t it? The person you can find comfort in that won’t be scared away by who you are. The person you can depend on to be there for you, and that is only shown by experience. The person who is loyal, that will make the effort to keep in touch and keep building the friendship, even if you don’t see each other every day, and that is only shown with time. And you will probably only have a small handful of these good friends, and that’s not only ok, that is better.

family

Hedgehogs

Andi

Guys, theres a little detail about myself you should know. I hate hedgehogs. I know they look cute adorable, but they are secretly mean!

This is not without reason. A reason I will share with you.

A few years ago, I went with a friend, to a pumpkin patch. This was before kids, and we were just there to have fun together. They had several farm animals there you could pet or feed, or just look at. Lots of pumpkins of course. A camel you were able to get rides on. And then there was this hedgehog. It was sitting a small box like enclosure, not really being supervised. You could pick it up and hold it. So we did. My friend held it first and it was calm and relaxed. Then she handed it to me and that tiny cute little furball took the opportunity to bite the daylights out of my finger. This thing has a tiny mouth and thin pointed teeth. It was like being poked with itty bitty needles. I screamed and dropped it back into the box. My finger hurt like the Dickens. That hedgehog showed no remorse whatsoever either.

In retrospect, it was not supervised. It was in a small box. There was only one, and it probably hadn’t been taken away for a break. It was more than likely striking out in stress and anger for being over handled. It was just my unlucky finger that got the strike.

But it still hurt. Listen, hedgehogs have needle like teeth, and they will bite. Be aware.

It’s also worth noting the friend that was with me sent me a hedgehog themed card last Christmas. She’s taunting me at this point.

I still have it.

family

How to Organize your Schedule

Andi

I just got my 2020 planner, so lets talk about that.

I have to schedule everything in my daily life. Not everybody has this need, some people don’t need any planner at all, but I am not one of those people. Since I have the Anxiety expansion pack, I have to have a planner. I cannot function without one. Not everybody that has anxiety has this issue. I’ve talked to several other people who tell me that having a planner makes their anxiety worse because seeing everything that needs to be done written down in one place puts their brain into over drive and then shuts down. However for me, if I don’t have a set plan and specific path laid out for that day, the open endedness and the uncertainty give me panic attacks. So I have to make a plan.

I’ve heard from older women who’ve been through the young kid stage already to even plan events like sex. If you write that into your schedule it’s more likely to happen. Sex is important to an intimate relationship and when you’re busy, it often gets pushed to the side. But isn’t sex supposed to be spontaneous deep and intimate? Wouldn’t planning it remove the passion? Now, I know it would seem that scheduling sexy time would take the feeling out of it. But I have two counters to that, kids are unpredictable, if you’re going to get it, you need to get it when you can. You may end up with a scared kid who had a nightmare in your bed and that ends sexy time real quick. And sex is vital. It’s good for your physical and mental health and the strength of your relationship. It’s going to look different for every couple depending on you and your partner, but its important enough to make sure it happens.

You also should be scheduling a few other events. Getting regular dates with your partner and having that time together alone without the children is just as important as having that passionate sex. Make regular date plans for yourself and your partner. These don’t have to be fancy or expensive. You could go get ice cream, go for a walk, sit at home and watch Netflix. Whatever you want to do to get that quality time together. For example, we went and played putt putt on one of our dates, and went to an art museum for another. Your dates don’t have to be dinner and a movie on a Friday evening.

Side note: one of the biggest hurdles couples have is finding a babysitter and the cost of leaving their kids with someone else. Something we’ve done is we’ve made a small group of friends. People we’ve both gotten to know and spent time with. Now, we trade off babysitting with them. They keep our kids one evening for our date night and then we will keep their kids so they can have a date night. It puts me at ease knowing my children are with someone I trust and it doesn’t cost money.

I also encourage you to schedule dates with your friends. You need have time out with people that you like to be with. At least one of these dates should be without your kids. Many times, I’ll make a coffee date and we’ll grab coffee and go sit at the playground because one or both of us have our children. This is of course good for us and our kids, but we also need that quiet time away as well. Myself and a couple friends have a night about once a month where we leave our kids with our husbands and we go paint. Its only a couple hours, but it’s always a refreshing breath of fresh air. Same goes for your partner. Make sure they are getting a little time away with their friends as well. We all need that time to recharge and refresh.

I sometimes worry that my kids are getting out enough. That they aren’t getting enough exercise or fresh air or human interaction. So guess what? I schedule that in too! Dates with their friends, or days outside. That goes on my list of needed activities.

And, don’t forget we need to be scheduling those doctors, dentist, vet, etc. Appointments for ourselves and for our families. I have to write down reminders at the first of the month to myself not to forget to make those appointments.

I went ahead with the Happy Planner this year and got it from Joann’s 50% off and I had an eligible coupon. I also got some stickers to go in it and specifically some Damask Love stickers because I love Amber and I love her designs and her bright colors. Last year I had a generic brand planner I got from Walmart. It worked, but I just didn’t like it as much. I also tried a planner app on my phone to test out a virtual planner. I didn’t like how I couldn’t view things in a zoomed out manner. I understand how there are so many different apps available, but the good ones you have to pay for. Or like the one I downloaded for free, but then I’d have to make in app purchases to get better features. Its just easier for me to buy a paper planner. Its customizable, it gives me the overview and the daily details exactly how I want, and I get more creative freedom with it.

Because I need to plan every detail of the day, I need a planner that has big spaces for me to write everything down. I also need somewhere that also has an at-a-glance look so I can see what’s up this month. Since I need both day-to-day scheduling spaces and a wide view calendar I choose the Happy Planner because it provides me with these things. In addition if there were any specific thing that needed to focus on that year I can add that to my book. There are tons and tons of add ons for the Happy Planner I did not purchase. Do you need to have a section for Meal Planning? They’ve got that! Do you need a section for your health habits? They’ve got an add on for that too! Do you want thousands of glittery stickers? You can get those too!

I do have a budget app on my phone that I use so I didn’t get the Happy Planner budget section you can buy. I bought it once a couple years ago and didn’t really use it, so I knew it would just be a waste of money. The app that I’m using just adds everything up for me and I have to do no math. I think maybe that’s why I prefer the app for budget management when otherwise I prefer using tangible books.

This year, I got something that was kind of a soft color palette. I really like the rainbow ring binder that was on one of the other ones but the rest of the book didn’t quite fit my style. It was rainbow, but with stripes or circles and I like flowers and designs. If it had been rainbow flowers, I wouldn’t have thought twice, but it did not. So mine has a much softer color palette because I chose the one with the bicycle on the front with flowers and vines on the inside.

But because I do love bright colors, I did pick up some Damask Love stickers that I can add to my pages. If you are unfamiliar with Damask Love and Amber, she was a finalist on NBC’s crafting show “Making It” and is now doing the Disney+ show “Disney Family Sunday”. She does mostly paper crafting, and she is clever, brilliant and talented. Her work is always very brightly colored she does not do toned down color or blank pages. I grabbed some of her stickers so I can have a mixture of both soft color on the base and some bright popping add in stickers. I did buy a sticker packet as well that is Happy Planner brand. Productivity is the name of the sticker packet because productive is what I need to be.

At the outset of the month I will sit down and write in the general pencilings of dates. It gives me a framework for what the month will look like. Sometimes if I have things set out farther I can do rough frame for a couple of months at a time. For instance, I can have the structure made for January and loosely around February. This would be when I made any doctor appointments that needed to be scheduled and get those nailed down first. If you work a job, make sure you get that schedule written in now too. Then, I turn to my formula. I have a formula for everything. Like I’ve said, I need structure. My monthly formula includes several events that need to happen each month. Events like, a date night, a day outdoors, 24 hours with no social media, a lunch date with friends, etc. If an event requires making a plan with someone else, I can pencil it in, but I’ll have to text the person and coordinate a definitive time and date. That’s why I always use very erasable pencil for this part.

At the beginning of the week, usually on Sunday afternoon, I will sit down and make the more specifics of that week. Like everything else I do, this too has structure. Each week contains a day to Deep Clean, an Outing, an Activity, a Walk, and a Craft. Everyday I clean and tidy, but once a week I deep clean. This is when the floor gets mopped or the window tracks get cleaned. Days with outings and the activity may overlap with the months events. An outing may be a trip to the Zoo or to a Playdate. This may be the month’s day outdoors or the month’s Lunch with friends. An activity may be like a trip to the playground or something more like blowing bubbles or playing with play dough. Anything that gets us outside. Whether that outside is at the park or outside on our patio, it’s an activity and its outside. Doing a craft and taking a walk are pretty self explanatory. After each of those is placed I’ll write in the mundane tasks that have to be done. Cleaning the litter box, laundry, vacuuming, things like this.

Now for meals, I grocery shop every other week. I’ll sit down with Pinterest and my Recipe Books and list the meals I want to make for the following two weeks. Lunches and Breakfasts as well. From that I’ll write down all the ingredients and make my grocery list. I order my groceries for pickup, but my husband likes to hand pick his produce and I like to handpick my meat. So our pickup is dry goods, juice, frozen food, etc. Then we will go into the store to get fresh veggies, fruit, and meat. When I sit down on that Sunday afternoon, I’ll decide for the next two weeks when I’m going to make the meals I’ve chosen. Take this as you will adjusted to whatever you need whether that is more structure or less.

So let’s get specific. I’ll use my calendar as an example.

In the month of January, you see I’ve got my list of events to fit into the month. I really need to get that printed instead of scribbled in the margin, but it is what it is. I use pencil on the months overview so it can be erased and changed if necessary. For January you can see we are taking our day outdoors at the Playground, we had a lunch date, a Date Night on the 17th, we took two outings, one to the Butterfly Pavilion and one to the Children’s Museum. I also schedule a “pajama day” where we don’t get dressed and don’t do anything but lounge about all day and play games or watch movies. This would be an example of a monthly overview for us.

The week of, the scheduled events can be written in ink, and they are because I like the way it looks better. I’ll take whatever event or activity and write that in on the day. This would also be when I wrote in the meals for each day. And then whatever weekly activity, like my day to Deep Clean, gets assigned a day of the week. For that first full week of January you see I’ve written in the big events of the week, which were our lunch date and 24 hours of no social media. Then the daily mundane tasks like cleaning. And also the not daily but still regular tasks, such as watering the plants, baths, etc. There are other boring tasks that need to be done, but aren’t regular, such as if I need to sweep the patio or pull out and clean behind the couches. This week I deep cleaned on Monday, cleaned and organized the closets on Tuesday, we were out all of Wednesday, Thursday was our lunch date, and Friday was a pajama day.

Once all the boring words are written in, I can add some color. I use a few stickers that I think fit into the activities of the week and look cute. I get out my markers and highlight the biggest tasks that need to be done, or the most exciting. I like to add a few little doodles too. And then in the margin I list my weeks objectives. What do I most want to accomplish this week? Is it to do yoga every morning this week? Is it to write in my journal 3 evenings? Is it to get the toy box to close? For this example week, my goal was to get all the Christmas decorations put away – NO EXCUSES I wrote. I have a bad habit of writing things down, but then putting them off and drawing an arrow to the next day. I had delayed it long enough, and in fact I did delay it a few days even then.

I keep us busy. I like to always have a task ahead. Staying active keeps the kids from getting into trouble because they’re bored. It keeps all of us from getting too much screen time. It helps me keep my anxiety regulated. I need a good planner to make that possible.

Whatever your daily life looks like, if you need some way to keep yourself organized, I suggest finding a planner. That may look differently than mine, but I can’t tell you how much having a planner has helped. I hope I can give a little encouragement or guidance to someone who is flailing trying to figure out how to make this work and make life less stressful. Keeping a schedule this way has aided me in getting my life organized and put my mind at ease that we are fitting everything in.

family

The Cactus

Andi

I have a lot of plants I like. I’m really a kind of plant person, I have them all over my house. One of my favorite plants is the cactus. I like how it appears harsh and even dangerous at first, but it also produces some of the most beautiful brightly colored flowers of the plant kingdom.

The cactus belongs to the Cactaceae plant family and is classified as stem succulents. A succulent has a thick skin and water may form up to 90% of the total mass. Cacti are a specific kind of succulent that has adapted to dry, desert like conditions. Not all succulents are cacti. In fact only about a quarter of the 10,000 species belong to the cactus family. The classification derives from the fact many succulents have water in their leaves, whereas a cactus only has water in the stem of the plant.

The word cactus comes from the ancient Greek word Kaktos. The word hasn’t really changed much. Just exchanged the K for a C.

Most cacti have a rounded shape. Instead of stems and leaves, they have areolas and spines. The spines prevent animals from eating the plant and sometimes kill bugs or rodents. They also prevent water loss by reducing air flow close to the surface. They also provide some shade to the plant. Cacti still employ photosynthesis, but since they don’t have traditional leaves, they do it a little differently. They also respond to rain shower much more quickly than most other plants. They bloom and grow very quickly to comply with the harsh dry climates they are native to.

Many believe cactus have natural healing properties, though not much scientific study has been done on the topic. The studies that have been done confirm they are high in antioxidants and anti inflammatory properties.

A cactus in the home does help to clean the air around it. However a spiny cactus does also bring a negative energy and may disturb fang shui if placed in the wrong place. It is suggested to place cacti outside or on a patio or balcony. At the very least a large open space and not near a bedroom.

I have a Christmas Cactus in my livingroom. It does not have spines. It may bloom anywhere from November to March. Mine already bloomed this year for a solid two months. It in fact has one bloom still hanging on, but I do not see any new ones budding. Last year, it did not bloom until late February. The flowers are a bright purple pink color. I name my plants, and this one is named Rita. It just seemed like a purpley slightly pink shade of a name.

This is the second Christmas Cactus I have owned however. I watered my first one on the same schedule as my other plants and accidentally drowned it! Cacti and Succulents don’t need to be watered as much as an ivy! Lesson learned.

Cactus is a charming plant species, with huge variety and vibrant color. I love them.

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The Bra Game

Andi

Do you know what I’ve realized? Most women don’t wear the right size bra. The bra industry is woefully letting us down. Even places that ‘fit’ you may not have your size or may not get you into a proper bra. This is much worse for women who have remarkably large breasts or remarkably small breasts. And unfortunately, since every woman is unique in every other way, that means each breast is also unique. The kind of bra that is perfect for one woman and her lifestyle needs may be horrible for another. On top of all that, bras are stupid expensive. You can buy a $5 bra at Walmart, but it’s not going to last like the $50 one. Underwear shopping in general is kind of a pain. This is why you may know a woman who only owns 3 bras and cycles through those 3.

When I go to look for a bra I’m looking for comfort first of all. If I can put on a bra and not realize I’m wearing one, that’s the best. Most of my bras now are a sports bra style because they fit into my needs. For my rare fancy dress occasions, I want a bra that’s going to hold up my boobs and give me support. I’ve breastfed two babies, they aren’t what they used to be. I need that support. When you look for a bra, find your biggest priority. Is it the shape and look it’ll give your breast? Is it comfort? Is it keeping them in place even when you’re active? This will inform what style bra you buy.

After you decide the style of bra you’re looking for you need to know what size to buy. A surprising number of women aren’t wearing the right size bra. So I’ll explain a pretty simple way to measure yourself. Using a tape measure, measure around your chest directly under your breast where the band of your bra would rest. This number is the number on the bra size. 36, 40, 42. Now, measure around your breasts. Make sure you are going around the biggest part of your breasts. A good marker is to measure on level with the nipple. This will be a larger number. 40, 45, 47. Now subtract the two numbers. The difference translates to your cup size. So if 36 was your first number and 40 your second, the difference is 4, the 4th cup size is D. So you would be a 36D.

Your bra size will change throughout your life. Even if you have no children, your body will still change as you grow older. So measure yourself every so many years and adjust sizes as needed. Obviously if you do have kids, you will need to remeasure after you have a baby and stop nursing. For those of you who have trouble finding bras that fit you, my heart truly goes out to you. I’ve heard that some online stores sell bigger sizes, and I’ve also heard good things about Aerie but never purchased there. And if you are nursing, I got most of my nursing bras and tank tops from Target. They were the most comfy and fit the best.

And washing advice, do not put your bras in the dryer. This is hard on a bra and will wear it out more quickly. Some women don’t even put their bras in the washing machine, or they will only wash them on delicate. But whatever setting you do or do not use in the washer, hang them up to dry. Always hang your bras to dry.

But if that is you, or you don’t have the money to drop on a bunch of $90 bras, I get you, I am there with you. I think its ridiculous we are paying that much for a bra. Especially those of you with lots of breast who can’t just go braless or in a bralette. I want every woman to know, it’s ok to only own 3 bras you cycle through. It’s ok if you bought the cheap $10 bra because you needed one and didn’t have the money for a nicer one. It is ok. It doesn’t make you gross. You are not the only one. We are all in this bra game together.

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Toy Story 4

Andi

If other people can refuse to acknowledge the M. Night Shyamalan Avatar the Last Airbender movie because it was truly the most terrible thing ever. And if other people can refuse to acknowledge the 3rd Spiderman movie because it was just bad. And if other people can pretend these movies don’t exist because they hate them that much. Then I can refuse to acknowledge the existence of Toy Story 4.

They didn’t need to make a 4th movie. The 3rd movie closed up the story and sealed everything up perfectly, another movie wasn’t necessary. But they made one. I was honestly hopeful. My generation had loved and adored Woody and Buzz and the other toys so much, like Andy handing them to Bonnie, we could hand the next Toy Story’s to our children. And I was happy the stores were filled with Toy Story merchandise I gladly bought up for my kids. But when we went to see the film, I was also woefully disappointed.

I feel like I’m parroting fans upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, but they completely destroyed the entire story arc of characters to fit this movies storyline. Sitting at the theater with my kid and my husband said to me, “I don’t remember Buzz being that dumb.” That’s because he wasn’t. The other supporting characters were basically none existant as well.

But let’s get right to the crux of it, Woody. From the beginning, we know Woody had trouble sharing the spotlight, but the first movie detailed how he changed his behaviour and found a best friend. He also said multiple times that it never was about how much the toys got played with, what mattered was that they were there for Andy when he needed them. Over and over and over he repeated that. So to think his character would suddenly decide it was ok to abandoned his kid because she didn’t play with him as much is preposterous. Woody wouldn’t do that. Or he truly is the biggest hypocrite.

But on to the actual storyline. In this movie we have a bratty doll who has a nonfunctioning voice box that lives in an antique shop. She is convinced she has never been bought because her voice box is broken. So she tries to bully Woody into giving her his perfectly kept box. At first he says no, but in the end he has pity on her and voluntarily gives her his voice box. While it’s a compassionate gesture on Woody’s part to treat the antagonist with kindness, it’s not the outcome that shows the greatest growth and development. I didn’t like that the awful bully of a character got her way in the end, and only after that did she get a girl to take her home. She, like many others, didn’t need to change themselves, fix the parts they saw as broken flaws to find someone who loved them. They were lovable the way they were. She needed to realize she was perfectly fine without her voice box and had a little girl love her like that. Perhaps the little girl who picked her up could repair her, kind of like the way the girl in Courderoy sewed on a new button for him after she took him home. We are all flawed. All of us with a broken part. Our flaws don’t make us unlovable and unwanted. We are worthy of love, just the way we are. That doll was worthy of finding a child who loved her, just the way she was.

What is the main lesson of Toy Story? That friends stick together. Friends never give up on each other. We spent three movies and a few animated shorts proving that and really driving it home. The toys were ready to face death together. And yet movie 4 is trying to convince me that Woody and Buzz would split up for any reason? I get that it was established Woody and Bo were an item, and that she was gone in the third film. But making her be the reason the gang broke up? Its outrageous. Its uncharacteristic. For both of them. She wouldn’t expect that of him, and he wouldn’t abandon his friends for her. Nobody, nobody will be able to convince me it was the right ending for the movie. Because it was not.

I’m not going to rampage at the writers, or the producers, or the studio about how much I was disappointed in this film. Sometimes you go for an idea and it doesn’t come out right. It doesn’t mean it’s a horrible studio, it just means they made a flub. And apparently the critics liked it as it’s up for awards and had already won some. It didn’t do shabby at the box office either (but then again, what Pixar movie does? Even their worst are still pretty good).

But as much as I don’t hate the creators for making this film, neither do I have to recognize that it exists in the Toy Story universe. In our house, there are only 3 Toy Story films.

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The Whole Brained Child

Andi

Several people had suggested this book to me, but its apparently a pretty popular book as it had a good sized waiting list.

I wanted to read it as I was struggling to find a firm standard to raise my kids that was wholesome and uplifting to them but wasn’t uncontrolled and insane. Growing up the way I did, if a kid made noise or lost control in any way they were not only a bad kid, you were a bad parent. If you didn’t spank your kids, they were bad kids and you were a bad parent.

I didn’t like the way that kind of parenting made me feel, not to mention how it made my kids feel. I was angry all the time, and the strong armed aggressive parenting I’d been taught fueled the anger. I was making my kids into loud angry children and I did not want that for them. I began finding books on childhood development and growth. I wanted to know how best to mold them into good humans. So enters this book. It’s written by neuroscientists, and explains well how the human mind, and specifically the child human man mind is functioning in various scenarios. I think I gleaned as much from this book for myself as for my kids. There is never a point that I felt guilty or ashamed of myself either. You know how sometimes another parent in an attempt to relay what they’ve learned and what methods they use make you feel like such a terrible parent? Like they are so much better and know more and you have nothing figured out? I never felt that reading this book. The authors portray a very gracious tone throughout.

You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect parent who never struggles to survive, who seemingly spends every waking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTA president who cooks organic, well balanced meals while reading to her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then escorts them to the art museum in the hybrid that plays classical music and mists lavender aroma therapy through the air conditioner vents. None of us can match up to this imaginary super parent.

Haven’t we all done that though? That’s why we feel so much guilt and shame. We look at someone else who seems to have it all together and we don’t measure up. But reality says, none of us measure up. Not even that PTA president we think has it all together. When we all bring ourselves to the same level of understanding, we realize, we are more alike than we are different. It’s important not to look down on another person and its important not to hold another person up on a pedestal either. We all make mistakes.

When we learn what our brains are doing and what needs to be done to change that, we have stronger tools when a challenging situation arrives. We can now view and study the mind like never possible in the past. We can see what neurons fire in specific scenarios. This is incredibly helpful to parents as we can know better what to do to grow and strengthen our child’s mind.

One recurring theme I’ve come across that appeared in this book as well, is that children are capable of far more than we think they are, and in our unknowing, we don’t encoursge them to do more. This instance was about emotions. Being able to understand and express complex emotions, and being able to handle big overwhelming emotions. Some adults have trouble doing that. But if we are able to cultivate that growth, kids are able to manage emotion in a healthy manner. This is not only something kids are capable of, it’s something that needs to be developed so they have a mandatory tool to take with them into adulthood.

One big parental temptation is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing.but as often as possible we need to give them the practice at making decisions for themselves.

A big thing I see quite a bit are parents that jump in to help their kid with a difficult or scary task. I’ve even been reprimanded by other parents for not doing this. We need to allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and experience mistakes. We need to step back and let them figure out how to solve a problem. If they made a bad choice, we need to let them handle the consequence of it (so long as that consequence isn’t dangerous). The way a child learns how to manage risk is by managing risk. Stay close by but don’t interfere unless they are at serious risk of harm. Let them climb to the top of the jungle gym. Let them balance on the fallen tree trunk. Let them decide what shoes to wear. Children need to be able to make their own choices and learn critical thinking.

Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. The rate of conflict can even be high, as long as there’s plenty of fun to balance it out. The real danger comes when siblings just ignore each other.

One last big point that jumped out at me was with sibling conflict. I have more than one child and I’ve often worried about this. My older siblings hate each other, and I don’t want that for my kids. But how do I prevent it? According to these doctors, the key is fun. It doesn’t matter if they bicker and fight a lot, so long as they have fun together. This means that the trips we take as a family, the playtimes we have are incredibly important. Playing and having fun is vital to their development and will affect them long term. That’s something I think we all need to remember. If you feel bad that you can’t give your kids the biggest, most expensive, fanciest house and clothes, remember it’s not that important. What is important is that you took your kids to the playground and played with them. What’s important is that you helped your kids make some messy and probably odd looking muffins. Playing with your kids and giving them the space to play together is what stays with them all their lives. The science has even confirmed it.

This is a must read for any parent. It is insightful and enlightening. It explains everything simply and clearly. The Whole Brained Child is an excellent book. I highly highly recommend.

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The Idea of You

Andi

Has anyone ever told you someone liked the idea of them, but didn’t actually like them? What does that even mean?

We humans like to put things into little boxes. We like structure, categories, things to be black or white.

In relation to other people, we like to be able to seperate them into groups. It’s easier to like a 1 dimensional character that always wears the same clothes and has 5 defining traits we can depend on them to default to. It makes them easy for us to understand. We don’t have to invest a lot of time to know them, and they pose no risk of confusing us.

An easy place to see this is when people find out a person likes something, and suddenly they exclusively buy that person that one thing. Like a person who likes sea turtles being gifted turtle themed gifts by everyone. This happened to me at one point, but with a movie I liked. I became one dimensional. My defining feature being I liked that movie and everyone knew it. I liked lots of movies, but no one asked, they’d only talk about that one.

But the world exists in the grey areas. Humans are multi dimensional and complex.

Sometimes we will do this to ourselves. We feel the need to define ourselves and we end up putting ourselves into little boxes. We give ourselves a clothing style to wear, a music genre to like, a favorite TV show, and then we don’t venture outside our little compartments.

But no one ever fits completely into one stereotype. There exists a “basic” girl who doesn’t like flavored coffees or Ugg boots. A “sports jock” that doesn’t like lifting weights. Because no matter what labels we slap on things, we won’t ever be able to truly erect walls and compartmentalize the world.

So instead we sometimes retreat and refuse to interact with other humans. We can be afraid of getting to know someone, or too lazy to put in the effort that takes. Some people though learn a few defining traits about someone and then fill in the gaps themselves. Or they construct an entire personality from a distance. This sometimes happens with parents towards their kids. They make up a perosna and picture perfect life they want for their kid. Problem is, kids are their own people and they may not have the personality their parents imagined for them. They may not want the same life their parent dreamt up.

We construct the idea of the person and who we think they are without knowing the actual nitty gritty and intimate details of that person. And often, we don’t really want to know those things, we are content with our faulty idea of them. It’s easier for us to look at the pretty cheerleader and fill in our own perceptions of who they are.

Sometimes we like the idea of dating the pretty cheerleader but not getting to know the deeper aspects of her. Parents like the idea of having a doctor child, but don’t consider their child’s feelings. Or worse, they like the idea of having a child and the cute parts, but don’t care to put in the hard work parenting takes.

When this is a loose acquaintance, it doesn’t usually have much consequence. However if it were a parent to a child, An individual to their partner or a close friend, it can have terrible consequences. Discovering that someone you thought cared knows incredibly little about you, it hurts. When you finally figure out why they don’t seem to remember details you have told them is because they forget the things that don’t match their idea of you on purpose, its wounding. It makes you feel raw and alone.

Because someone you love doesnt love you in return, they merely love the idea of you.

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Time

Andi

It’s not only the end of the year, this time it’s also the end of a decade. We’re moving into the 2020s. The 1920s were filled with forbidden booze, rebellious flappers, gangsters and tommy guns. They were roarin’ and people were living large. People now look back and romantise the 1920s, host big 20s themed parties, and imitate the styles. But the 1920s directly led the US into the great market crash and the Great Depression of the 1930s. People starved, lost every monetary thing they had, America struggled. Being able to look back and see all of that, how are we going to mold our 20s? In 100 years, how will the 2020s be recorded in history books?

More importantly, how will your personal book read, your family remember, your photo albums recall? How do you plan to spend the 2020s?

Many people look back to see how far they’ve come and use it to encourage them to improve going forward. A new year is a common time to do this. It’s an easy marker to set down to gauge improvement and change. But the more new years I see the more and more I notice time. The more I’m fascinated by it. Time is unstoppable and unmovable. Its unrelenting. As a kid, I was always anxious for what’s next, what’s coming up and time always stood in my way. As a teen I wanted nothing more than to go back and visit ancient places and people and see with my own eyes historic events occur. But again, time stood in my way. As an adult, I’d like to just stop time. Even for a moment, and relish in this exact point in my life. But still, time stands firmly in my way. I cannot speed it up. I cannot bend it and I cannot stop it.

People assume time is a strict progression of cause to effect when actually from a nonlinear non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly…timey wimey…stuff.

The Doctor

If you’d come to me 10 years ago and asked me to run away on a time traveling adventure, I wouldn’t have let you finish the sentence before I said yes. I wanted nothing more than to both run away and explore the world. How cool would it be to visit Shakespeare or Florence Nightingale? The idea preoccupied my thoughts and I spent a large amount of my precious time day dreaming about twisting time. But it didn’t happen. It can’t happen. And even my favorite doctor’s time came to an end and a new actor took his place. Because no matter how much Doctor Who I watched, I couldn’t stop or skip time.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Gandalf, Fellowship of the Ring

As I grew time became more valuable as I truly came to realize how you couldn’t hang onto it or get any of it back. I became a person who did everything because I wanted to squeeze the juice out of every day. I used to tell myself, “you can sleep when you’re dead” as I set out somewhere. I was constantly busy. This was an exciting time in my life. I went to Europe twice, and vacationed frequently. I was in school, worked as much as I could, volunteered for everything, went to parties, started playing video games, began performing piano for weddings. I slept hard because I was always so tired at the end of the day. I loved being on the go. I never wanted to slow down. If I slowed down, I was wasting my precious time. But what I didn’t realize was how much I needed to slow down occasionally. Not necessarily stop moving forward, but pausing for a moment. That pausing wasn’t a waste of time.

I suppose it’s like the ticking crocodile, isn’t it? Time is chasing after all of us, isn’t that right

Mrs. Snow, Finding Neverland

More and more I feel like time is chasing after me. Years go by so quickly. 10 years have vanished in the blink of an eye. Have I accomplished much in those years? Absolutely. But they’re still gone. Just like that. When I first saw Finding Neverland the elderly Snow couple were just a cute, sweet, old couple in the story. Now Mrs. Snow’s comment about time chasing after us resonates so deeply with me and it echoes in my mind. I’m becoming increasingly aware that it only seems to move faster and someday it will all end. And what have I done with my life? What kind of legacy would I leave behind? I only have a limited set amount of hours left to accomplish everything I want. Only so many days to decide how I will be remembered. Time is chasing after all of us, isnt that right?

We are being faced with a new decade. Blank and empty. How are we going to fill our time in the new year?