Tag: love

family

Time for Children

Andi

An important piece of the parenting we employ in our home is giving our children our time and attention for even just a few moments each day. Taking the time to focus on your kids builds the bond between you and fills the child’s need for affection and belonging. This helps in future instances when there is a trouble. Setting up this as normal when they are young sets up a better foundation for when they are teens and later adults. Now, I do not have first hand experience with teen or adult children as mine are still young, but I do trust the knowledge of those who have both studied brain development and raised children of their own. I also have seen the direct effects this has on my children when I make the effort to be with them compared to when I do not. 

This in theory is quite simple. Come home, sit down, play a card game with your child, eat dinner, go to bed. Easy right? Not always. We are wildly distracted in our modern lives. It is hard for some people to leave their phones in another room for 10 minutes. The dog decides that is the perfect time to barf in the living room. The next project needs to be done and work is demanding we finish it NOW. There are 10,000 other tasks that need to be finished. 

Probably the biggest obstacle is time. As parents we often feel like there is no time for all of the things we need to do. We have to work full time, keep the house orderly, keep the bills paid on time, keep the car maintenance up to date, make doctor appointments and get the kids there on time, make sure your partner is also getting regular checkups, get the kids into extracurriculars, keep them up to speed on their homework, cook healthy food, clean so many dishes you feel like you are drowning in cups and plates, take care of the pets too, keep a garden, grocery shop, plan parties, keep up with your friends, drive kids to their friends, wash yourself, be sure to keep up with your self care, try to teach your kids how to properly self care, attempt to read a leisurely book, don’t forget to cancel that free subscription before it charges you, manage your finances, nurture your relationship with your partner, buy more batteries, and on and on and on. It never stops. We get home from work and just want to stop thinking. Believe me, I understand. That’s why I say, I have to put forth the effort to make this a priority, because sometimes, it is an effort. I write it onto my daily planner so I cannot forget it. Eventually the act will become routine. 

I think another barrier for some people is they don’t have the money to be taking their kids out to places and buying them things. Doing a science experiment with your kid is a great way to spend time together, but what if you don’t have the money to buy the kit? The bills and rent or mortgage are more important than a game your kid wants to play. It’s better that they have food to eat and a place to sleep. You don’t have to spend any money or much to spend that few minutes with your child. They can help you cook dinner. You can color in a coloring book together. Walk to the local library and take a class there together. 

In our house, each parent gets an individual time out with each child at least once a month in addition to those little daily moments and a family outting. How exactly do we manage that? We don’t over do the event. It’s certainly special, but it doesn’t have to be elaborate either. Again, the fact that you are giving them your time and attention is what is vital here, not how much you spend or how fancy the event is. My Sister in Law has taken my niece to get pedicures together, but she has also taken her to get an ice cream and that was their Mom & Daughter time. 

On our recent Time Out, I took my son to the playground and we played together. Then we went to the International Market and he got to pick out the fruit he wanted to try, and we went home and ate our treats. How exactly is taking your child to the store with you a special event? Because it was just us together, having a good time and experiencing new fruits he hadn’t ever eaten before. The park isn’t fancy, but it was so awesome to him because I was there playing with him. My partner has taken the kids to the store to pick out a game and then came home and played it with them. With my other child, we went and ate the biggest cinnamon roll we’d ever seen, and then went to the library. It was a blast, and honestly so refreshing for both of us.

The important thing here is you spending uninterrupted time with your kids. They need this attention from you. By giving them yourself, they will have a stronger foundation to stand on when they go out. It will make them feel more secure and confident. You really are important to them. It truly is worth the effort it takes to build the relationship with them in small simple ways like giving them 10 minutes of your day or by taking one on one time out together.

family

The Octopus

Andi

Not long ago I saw several video clips divers had taken of Octopuses punching fish, for seemingly no reason. I thought “hey, sometimes I’d like to be able to punch someone that got too close to me too.” and I laughed about it. I love Octopuses and their odd, sometimes petty, intelligent behaviour. They are brightly colorful, and more clever than we had imagined. They are definitely my favourite creatures of the sea. 

If you have a child, you have probably seen Finding Dory, and probably already know that Octopuses have three hearts. Side Note: Hank is the best character Pixar has made, at least in a long time. It may have been a kids movie, but this fact is true. Two of the hearts move blood beyond the gills, while the third pumps blood to the organs. Their hearts also stop beating when they swim, which is probably why they are mostly seen crawling along the ocean floor. Which means having eight arms that can act independently comes in handy. The majority of octopus neurons reside in their arms, not their heads. This enables the animal to use one of its arms for one task while simultaneously using the others for something different. This has also been studied in regards to maneuverability and problem solving. Scientists have done experiments by giving octopuses various challenges to solve, time and again proving their intelligence. They are able to check all sides of an object at the same time to find an opening or latch instead of focusing on just one spot at a time. In the wild, they’ve been observed covering themselves with rocks and shells, rolling into a ball and laying still to hide from predators. 

Octopuses have blue blood. This is due to an adaptation of the cold deep ocean, evolving copper based blood instead of iron based blood, which appears blue. Since many cephalopods live deep in the ocean, they need to be able to transport oxygen throughout their bodies, and their blood makes it possible to do that. This however makes them incredibly sensitive to changes in acidity. If the water around them changes too much it could become fatal for them as it would make it impossible to breath. Considering how much our oceans are being harmed and polluted, the change in water acidity is a large concern. Of course, not only for the octopuses, but it poses a threat to them as well. 

Many have noted how weird cephalopods look. They’ve got these crazy tentacles and oddly shaped heads, and gigantic eyes. In fact, they’ve often been the inspiration for monsters or aliens in entertainment. Even Cthulhu has tentacles. But perhaps Octopuses look so zany because they haven’t changed very much at all for nearly 3 million years. Fossils have been found of creatures that look, basically the same way our modern octopuses do. And why would they need to evolve? They are perfect specimens the way they are. Despite having existed for millions of years, octopuses have a remarkably short life span. Most only live 10 years or so. They live and grow and then mate, and then they die. For such a fascinating and smart animal, it is not on this earth for very long sadly. If there were one thing I wish octopuses could evolve, it would be a longer life span. 

There are so many different kinds of Octopuses, and that isnt even touching on the other cephalopods like squid or cuttlefish. These weird boneless creatures are constantly amazing and confusing us. We still have not seen a squid fight a Sperm Whale for instance, but we know they do it, and that the squids win sometimes. We’ve barely even seen the giant squid that fights them. Every time we study the octopus, we learn something new. They can open child proof bottles for instance, with no fingers. Cephalopods are insane! They are the best sea creatures, I think because they are such a mystery still. So fascinating. 

family

Doctor Who?

Andi

I was about 13 or so, living in the southern midwest, when someone first asked me if I’d ever seen Doctor Who. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they insisted I watch it, so I did. David Tennant was the Doctor at the time, and the first episode I ever saw was Series 3 Episode 10 “Blink”. I was enraptured. 

Doctor Who held all the markers of television I love; its quirky, funny, heartwarming, thrilling and exciting. Even though from the start I knew it was intended as a children’s show, I continued to watch it throughout highschool and college. When a friend of mine went to Ireland, she brought back a foot tall TARDIS for me that I still keep on my bookshelf. I’ve had friends gift me posters they bought at cons and blurry photographs of the actors. It was fairly common knowledge I was into this show. 

Why? You may ask, Where you so into a British Children’s show? I think its because of the Hope. There is always a solution, no matter how big the problem. No matter what happens, the Doctor never gives up on humanity. How resilient! How Brilliant! We always find a way. It didn’t matter if a massive armada was poised to attack, they always came up with a master plan, even if it was the last minute. There was always Hope. And I needed Hope. I needed to be told I was Strong and Resiliant. 

There are two episodes that made me weep. I know, I am emotional with movies and I do cry a lot, but not usually with shows intended for humor or drama. However, there are two that continue to stab me in the feels. 

The first is the episode when David Tennant regenrates. He was my first doctor and I had definitely formed a kind of attachment to his doctor. He is still my favorite (so sorry, Tom Baker). It was an emotionally charged episode anyway, and when he wimpered, “I don’t wanna go” I lost it. Knowing Tennant is the second longest running Doctor, right behind legend Tom Baker, his departure had to be an emotional event for everyone. 

The second was Series 5 Episode 10 “Vincent and the Doctor”. It still makes me cry every time I watch it. As someone who has struggled with their mental health and knows on a personal level what it feels like, this episode hits me in a very deep personal place. Maybe because I wish so badly someone were able to go back and do that for Vincent. Maybe because I know how much that would have meant. Maybe because to know I had made a difference, that I really was important, would turn me to mush. It is a very personally emotional epsiode for me. 

If you didn’t know, there is a ton of lore and fun facts about the Doctor Who universe. Its been on TV since 1963, with a brief hiatus and revival in 2005. Thats a long time to gather trivia. 

Some tidbits are those that have kind of gotten lost through time, like the fact that the show started as an educational children’s show about science and history. I’d have watched that, and probably enjoyed it based on how much I enjoyed The Magic School Bus as a kid. And some things that were literally lost. There are about 100 episodes of the original series that have been lost. Through the help of fan’s personal collections and some super lucky finds in mislabeled containers, the episode library is being rebuilt. 

The Doctor is firmly solidified in history and in space. In 1984 a new asteroid was discovered and named Asteroid 3325 TARDIS, which its discoverer Brian A. Skiff named for the Doctor’s Police Box. The fame of the Doctor reached great heights in the 70s and 80s. So much, that Paramount set on a mission to make a Doctor Who film starring Michael Jackson as a Time Lord. Unfortunately, this never came to pass, and we all lowered our heads in sadness. 

Both David Tennant and Peter Capaldi were big Whovians when they were children. Tennant citing his desire to be the Doctor as his reason for getting into acting. Capaldi made Who themed fan art and often bothered BBC to make him the fanclub president. The fans do make the best characters though, as both Tennant and Capaldi are two of my very favorites. The Doctor has been a rather gigantic part of Tennant’s life, both personally and professionally. David Tennant is married to a woman named Georgia, whom he met on the set of an episode entitled “The Doctor’s Daughter”. Except Georgia IS the Doctor’s Daughter. Her father is Peter Davison, the Fifth Doctor. Several years ago, Georgia interviewed their child on his favorite doctor. Its Tom Baker. Tennant later went on to revise the role of Scrooge McDuck in the new DuckTales (also made by now grown fans of the original) another character I love. I keep my Scrooge McDuck with my desk TARDIS for giggles. 

Doctor Who has meant a lot to me throughout my life. My favorite will always be Tennant, followed closely by Baker and Capaldi. The show gave me fun and humor when I needed it, but most of all, it showed me that Hope can always be found even in the most dismal of times.

family

What is Most Important

Andi

What is most important?

With my schedule so full now, my attention is being pulled in so many different directions. Every minute of my time seems to be spoken for by something. When we get this busy, the truly important things often get overlooked because they aren’t shouting at us with booming voices and deadlines, they are tugging on you softly and asking you to come play.

Since I so strongly believe that parental care and attention directly affects children’s behavior and development, it is doubly important to me to be sure my children are receiving plenty of my attention. Children need to feel loved and appreciated, and its my job to be sure they feel that way. On top of that, I have a partner who also needs my affection. Our relationship is foundational to this household, and we need to keep it strong. A partner may or may not say to you, I feel neglected, even if they are feeling that way. I need to make time for that as well.

A couple weeks ago I took my older child to a cat café for the afternoon. It was just the two of us, and we got to enjoy some individual time together playing with kittens. We had a wonderful time. And his little need gauge was filled.

Kitty at the Cat Café

My partner and I were able to get the kids to bed earlier this week, and then curl up on the couch and watch the South Park Pandemic Special together. That seems so minute and trivial, but those moments just together are valuable. I treasure our post bedtime “Us Moments”.

Since the older kid got to go out with me, I decided it was time to take the younger one out for some one on one time. He and I both needed it. So we went out to the library, went walking, and then to get a giant cinnamon roll to share. It was relaxing and fun, and we both enjoyed our time.

Rose Bush along our Walk

But the genuine challenge has not been fitting individual dates into the weekend. The weekend is everyone’s time to unwind and relax, and my individual time with my kids is just that; relaxing and unwinding. Its the day to day time that is hard to fit in. Children need attention and affection every single day, not just on the weekends. That’s when it gets hard. When you are tired from working. The food needs cooking, then clothes need folded, baths need to be taken, the litter box needs scooped, the class needs finished. Those are the days when its hard to stop and give your child your undivided attention. That’s when its been hardest for me. On those days when my brain is so tired it feels like it is literally sagging in my skull. That’s when its hard.

Fortunately I have my partner. Who also loves to be with our kids. So that on a day when I am so worn emotionally and physically, he can go build spaceships and read bedtime stories so I am able to just be alone.

Choosing to carve out the time to spend a few undivided moments with my children and my partner can be hard, particularly with my scatterbrained mind, but its so integral. On the short term level, I want them to be able to learn and listen at school, and my time put into them helps them achieve that. On a longer term level, that time builds and strengthens our bond that will last their lifetime. It develops our trust and relationship, and that, is very very important to me.

Everything else can wait. Your mental health cannot. Your physical health cannot. Your partner cannot. Your rapidly growing children cannot.

My children deserve to know that they are more important to me than all those other things. They need to know that my family is the most important thing in my life.

Art

Octopus Watercolor

Andi

I’m really proud of this painting. A couple friends and I started doing watercolor tutorials together over Zoom a few months ago when the Stay at Home orders were issued. Before that, we had tried to get together in person to paint together. I’m honestly surprised how well the paintings turn out because none of us are professionals, but they almost always look good.

But this one is extra special. This one is an octopus. Octopuses are my favorite sea creature and my second favorite creature in general. They sit on the top with the Cats and Elephants. They are brilliant and clever and snarky. Look up some of the aquarium and diver stories about them. I love nature in general, but octopuses hold a special place in my heart.

The template was all blue and purple, but as a looked at it, I didn’t like the blue. I decided he shouldn’t be blue, he should be orange. Which immediately reminded me of Hank the septopus from Finding Dory.

I love Hank. He is cranky. He wants to be left alone. He is constantly caught up in his friends hijinks. I am Hank. If I were an animal, I would be him. He is my favorite Pixar character. Which is not an easy feat considering he’s competing with the likes of Joy, Woody, and Dante. I am almost positive Hank was based off of someone in the Pixar studio and I want to meet this person, we would be friends.

So instead of blue and purple, I painted this guy orange and red with only seven arms in tribute to my Pixar friend Hank.

family

Positive Parenting pt 2 As published on Positively Balanced

Andi

The second part of my Positive Parenting article has been published on the Women’s Health platform Positively Balanced.

This platform is a project I am so honored to be working on. There are all kinds if resources already available and we are growing and building the platform every day. Check out my piece, and then read some of the other work on the site!

Have a stupendous day!

Positive Parenting: Part 2 The Principles

family

What defines a Good Friend

Andi

Starting at my earliest memories, I had two best friends. I think I had other friends, because there are photos of me with other people, but I can only genuinely remember these two. I still have contact with both of these individuals through the invention of social media. One of them I have no other contact with outside of that. We never chat. The other we do interact over social media and occasionally chat over text or call.

In my teenage years I had a lot of friends. I remember being told that as an adult I’d only have a few friends, that a few good friends was better than many shallow friends. I thought it was total nonsense. I had a lot of friends and I loved all of them and thought they all loved me. I must simply be extraordinarily fortunate because I had many good friends. Most of these friends were from church or from the Summer Missions program I did with Child Evangelism Fellowship. Quite a few of these I still have minimal contact with via Social Media. Some, I’ve completely lost contact with. A handful I’ve purposely cut contact with. There were two I considered my best friends and a family I thought of like my own family. One of these best friends and I had a falling out over a relationship I thought was not good for her and which she wanted to pursue. She is no longer in this relationship, but we never rebuilt the friendship however and only interact over Facebook and the like.

The family and other friends I had within the church have all but fallen away. They were the biggest hurt I felt after leaving the church. They had been the people who loved me, who said they’d be with my through thick and thin. Some even claiming my other relations weren’t true friendships, only they were my true friendships. And I believed them. I believed they loved me and whatever I did or whatever happened, they’d still love me. But the harsh reality was they wouldn’t always be there for me. They would all disappear like a morning fog as the sun warms the earth. As soon as I left the church group, they left me behind. Even so much as to ignore me when I did come around as though they’d never known me. Some of these people I have purposely removed all contact with, a small few I still have social media contact with, but do not talk to otherwise. Only one of them has made any contact with me since I left the church. One out of the approximately 20 strong friend group we had developed.

After I had children my friend group changed again. Not to add mom friends, I didn’t have mom friends when my kids were really small. I kept the friends I had. Some had had kids by then and some hadn’t. I couldn’t fully explain to you what happened. Maybe it was the result of the kids. I had a few friends who became more and more shallow to me. It appeared to me they were putting up this fancy I’m-rich-and-super-spiritual façade and I had no energy to keep up with it. Their appearance was incredibly important to them and it just wasn’t to me. I think it started to produce a distance between us until it became a canyon. One of them, who actually had kids as well, met up with me at a splash pad. We sat next to each other on the same park bench and didn’t say a word to each other. It was awkward. We didn’t know what to say to one another anymore. The only conversation we had was instigated and revolved around the kids. We haven’t spoken since. Although I do still have social media contact with these people, its very minimal and mostly nonexistant.

By the time our family moved out of the state I’d grown up in, I only made a point to see three people before I left. One of them was the group of elderly people who always came into the cafe I worked in to have coffee after their morning walk. Another was a single friend I’d kept contact with, but admittedly hadn’t seen much of. When we made the move for some reason I guess I assumed people would still keep in touch despite the distance. The people who really cared about me at least. No one did though. I didn’t know anybody in the new state and nobody I knew in the old state bothered to keep in contact. I was overwhelmingly lonely. I watched an unhealthy amount of anime and Spongebob.

I knew I had to put myself into contact with people to make friends, so I joined a MOPS group. I was placed at a table with the exact right people. It was an instant connection with most of them. Of course I still have internet connection with them, and I see them on regular dates and get togethers. And then, someone I’d known years ago during my Summer Missions time got in touch with me and told me she wanted to just talk. We still text every month or so and catch up about what’s been happening. She and I both have kids of similar ages and know each others families. One person, I’d made contact with in a Facebook group happened to live close to me, and I decided to meet for coffee. She and I have several similarities, and the meeting was good. We’ve started to develop a friendship from there, but it’s still very young.

Through all of this, there have been a couple constants. My other best friend and I have been through some rough patches and had issues over time, but we have also been able to grow and build a strong relationship. He was the third person I made a point to see before we moved. The same time we moved, they moved in the opposite direction. That put quite a bit of physical distance between us. But we manage with regular phone chats. Of course with social media and texting keeping in contact has made long distance a little easier. Now, I would say he is my only best friend. My husband and I also have a friend he met through an old job. We lived next door to them for a while, and since moving have met and been befriended by their family. They were such a magnificent help to us during our big move. Our relationship has relaxed and become more casual. We’ve gone on a few double dates, and usually just lounge about when we hang out. We of course have contact over social media, but most of our contact is face to face or through a phone call.

I’ve seen a lot of friends come and go, and quite a few I still have at least some kind of contact with. But social media contact alone isn’t a proper gauge for a friendship. You don’t have the deep connection from that tiny thread of contact social media provides. Neither does seeing someone once every few years when you make the trek back home and come across them while you’re there visiting your family.

What does classify a good friend?

I always go back to a quote by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

There have been only three people on this earth that I have always felt completely safe with. People I’ve never felt the need to perform for or display only pieces of myself to appease them. My brother, my best friend, and my husband. I have more than one brother, but only one of them do I feel close too. He and I are the closest in age and spent the most time together growing up. We, I think, have the closet relationship out of the siblings. My best friend, the one who I went through that hard patch with, I have never felt awkward with. Even during that time, I had no fear about detailing to him why I was angry with him. And my husband. Even when we first met and I had butterflies galore and I was crushing on him, I never felt afraid of him. I was never cautious that if he knew me completely he’d break up with me. So, I never held anything back, and I still never do. He may be irritating sometimes, but he is still my biggest comfort.

Another trait many people associate with friendship is loyalty. Will that person be with you through thick and thin? This is certainly a good thing to consider. I’ve found more often than not, the answer is no. The term “fair weather friends” didn’t just make itself up. People are willing to ditch their friends for any myriad of reasons. Their new boyfriend didn’t like them, or they didn’t like the new boyfriend. You have a child and they didn’t and don’t feel relatable to you anymore. You separate from your spouse and they don’t approve. You don’t end up separating from your spouse and they don’t approve. You discover you have differing political views and they can’t stand you anymore. You start going to a different gym. On, and on, and on.

I’ve also learned people tend to all have very short term memory. They probably will not remember to give you a call or send a text. Once you no longer have consistent contact with someone, they won’t bother to keep in touch. It seems to just be the norm. When you leave a job, most of your coworkers, even ones you were friends with, will probably fade away because you won’t be put in contact with them everyday at work. When you graduate school, it’s not likely you will keep those fellow classmate friendships you had. You aren’t running into them and looking them in the face regularly, so you drift apart and forget each other. It is just what seems to happen. The old adage, “out of sight out of mind” is apparently true for human relationships. This is probably why when I was younger I heard several times, long distance relationships don’t work. Apparently, most humans can’t hold onto relationships from far away.

Some may say a good friend has similar interests, is trustworthy, is honest. And I’d agree, but I’d also say that all of those kind of roll back into the person you feel safe with. That person who you have no fear of leaving because you told them a dark secret. A person that understands your humor is someone you are comfortable with. A person who can hear your story, love you, maybe give you some hard honest advice, hug you, and help you move forward. That person, is your comfort and safe zone.

But I will say, a good friend is a dependable friend. The one you can count on to be there for that hard moment, and the good moment. Sometimes, stuff happens, especially if you and your friend have kids and dates have to be cancelled. But when a friend cancels every date one after the other, or simply doesn’t show up, it wears you down. You can’t rely on them to make it to a scheduled date, or at least text you before and let you know plans have changed. How will you depend on them when you really need them? When you call scared and alone, are they available to you? When you need advice, are they willing to chat? Everyone has schedules and everyone is busy, but are they always too busy for your friendship? If you need help, do they tell you I’ll call you back when I’m not swamped and we can talk or do they just ignore you and never call back. Can you depend on them at all? That is a marker of a good friend. Can you depend on them.

Going through life, particularly if you are an emotional or empathetic person, you will develop bonds with people. And even if you know in your head how humans work, losing one of those bonds hurts. It can wound you deeply. I know that I for a time didn’t want to meet any new people. I was afraid of making friends because why should I if they’re all just going to abandon me? I, apparently, put way more meaning into a relationship than the other person does and time after time, I’ve been burned. It makes me overly wary of new people. I’ve lost a friend over a boyfriend. I lost a friend over religion. I lost many friends over church. I lost a friend over a false rumor. I’ve been wounded and not sure if having friendships was even worth it. I don’t trust new friends.

But humans need other humans. It’s just how we are made. If I lock myself in and refuse to have contact with people, my anxiety amplifies, it grows, it starts to over take me. I need to be outside. I need nature. And I need friends. We all need friends. Study after study has shown that social interactions help not only our mental health, but physical health as well. A study done in Alameda County, California of more than 7,000 men and women, begun in 1965, Lisa F. Berkman and S. Leonard Syme found that people who were disconnected from others were roughly three times more likely to die during the nine-year study than people with strong social ties. We need to be around other human beings.

So I’m learning that out of all the connections I’ve made throughout my life, most of them will probably melt away. I probably won’t have the same relationships in 10 years as I do right now. But out of those many, I’ve made a few deep connections. I’ve had to go through a lot of friendships to find the ones that really stick. So the adults in my teen years were right. I do only have a few good friends, and that is better. Because they are my comfort, they are loyal and they are dependable.

And that really is what a good friend is isn’t it? The person you can find comfort in that won’t be scared away by who you are. The person you can depend on to be there for you, and that is only shown by experience. The person who is loyal, that will make the effort to keep in touch and keep building the friendship, even if you don’t see each other every day, and that is only shown with time. And you will probably only have a small handful of these good friends, and that’s not only ok, that is better.

family

The Whole Brained Child

Andi

Several people had suggested this book to me, but its apparently a pretty popular book as it had a good sized waiting list.

I wanted to read it as I was struggling to find a firm standard to raise my kids that was wholesome and uplifting to them but wasn’t uncontrolled and insane. Growing up the way I did, if a kid made noise or lost control in any way they were not only a bad kid, you were a bad parent. If you didn’t spank your kids, they were bad kids and you were a bad parent.

I didn’t like the way that kind of parenting made me feel, not to mention how it made my kids feel. I was angry all the time, and the strong armed aggressive parenting I’d been taught fueled the anger. I was making my kids into loud angry children and I did not want that for them. I began finding books on childhood development and growth. I wanted to know how best to mold them into good humans. So enters this book. It’s written by neuroscientists, and explains well how the human mind, and specifically the child human man mind is functioning in various scenarios. I think I gleaned as much from this book for myself as for my kids. There is never a point that I felt guilty or ashamed of myself either. You know how sometimes another parent in an attempt to relay what they’ve learned and what methods they use make you feel like such a terrible parent? Like they are so much better and know more and you have nothing figured out? I never felt that reading this book. The authors portray a very gracious tone throughout.

You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect parent who never struggles to survive, who seemingly spends every waking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTA president who cooks organic, well balanced meals while reading to her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then escorts them to the art museum in the hybrid that plays classical music and mists lavender aroma therapy through the air conditioner vents. None of us can match up to this imaginary super parent.

Haven’t we all done that though? That’s why we feel so much guilt and shame. We look at someone else who seems to have it all together and we don’t measure up. But reality says, none of us measure up. Not even that PTA president we think has it all together. When we all bring ourselves to the same level of understanding, we realize, we are more alike than we are different. It’s important not to look down on another person and its important not to hold another person up on a pedestal either. We all make mistakes.

When we learn what our brains are doing and what needs to be done to change that, we have stronger tools when a challenging situation arrives. We can now view and study the mind like never possible in the past. We can see what neurons fire in specific scenarios. This is incredibly helpful to parents as we can know better what to do to grow and strengthen our child’s mind.

One recurring theme I’ve come across that appeared in this book as well, is that children are capable of far more than we think they are, and in our unknowing, we don’t encoursge them to do more. This instance was about emotions. Being able to understand and express complex emotions, and being able to handle big overwhelming emotions. Some adults have trouble doing that. But if we are able to cultivate that growth, kids are able to manage emotion in a healthy manner. This is not only something kids are capable of, it’s something that needs to be developed so they have a mandatory tool to take with them into adulthood.

One big parental temptation is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing.but as often as possible we need to give them the practice at making decisions for themselves.

A big thing I see quite a bit are parents that jump in to help their kid with a difficult or scary task. I’ve even been reprimanded by other parents for not doing this. We need to allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and experience mistakes. We need to step back and let them figure out how to solve a problem. If they made a bad choice, we need to let them handle the consequence of it (so long as that consequence isn’t dangerous). The way a child learns how to manage risk is by managing risk. Stay close by but don’t interfere unless they are at serious risk of harm. Let them climb to the top of the jungle gym. Let them balance on the fallen tree trunk. Let them decide what shoes to wear. Children need to be able to make their own choices and learn critical thinking.

Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. The rate of conflict can even be high, as long as there’s plenty of fun to balance it out. The real danger comes when siblings just ignore each other.

One last big point that jumped out at me was with sibling conflict. I have more than one child and I’ve often worried about this. My older siblings hate each other, and I don’t want that for my kids. But how do I prevent it? According to these doctors, the key is fun. It doesn’t matter if they bicker and fight a lot, so long as they have fun together. This means that the trips we take as a family, the playtimes we have are incredibly important. Playing and having fun is vital to their development and will affect them long term. That’s something I think we all need to remember. If you feel bad that you can’t give your kids the biggest, most expensive, fanciest house and clothes, remember it’s not that important. What is important is that you took your kids to the playground and played with them. What’s important is that you helped your kids make some messy and probably odd looking muffins. Playing with your kids and giving them the space to play together is what stays with them all their lives. The science has even confirmed it.

This is a must read for any parent. It is insightful and enlightening. It explains everything simply and clearly. The Whole Brained Child is an excellent book. I highly highly recommend.

family

The Idea of You

Andi

Has anyone ever told you someone liked the idea of them, but didn’t actually like them? What does that even mean?

We humans like to put things into little boxes. We like structure, categories, things to be black or white.

In relation to other people, we like to be able to seperate them into groups. It’s easier to like a 1 dimensional character that always wears the same clothes and has 5 defining traits we can depend on them to default to. It makes them easy for us to understand. We don’t have to invest a lot of time to know them, and they pose no risk of confusing us.

An easy place to see this is when people find out a person likes something, and suddenly they exclusively buy that person that one thing. Like a person who likes sea turtles being gifted turtle themed gifts by everyone. This happened to me at one point, but with a movie I liked. I became one dimensional. My defining feature being I liked that movie and everyone knew it. I liked lots of movies, but no one asked, they’d only talk about that one.

But the world exists in the grey areas. Humans are multi dimensional and complex.

Sometimes we will do this to ourselves. We feel the need to define ourselves and we end up putting ourselves into little boxes. We give ourselves a clothing style to wear, a music genre to like, a favorite TV show, and then we don’t venture outside our little compartments.

But no one ever fits completely into one stereotype. There exists a “basic” girl who doesn’t like flavored coffees or Ugg boots. A “sports jock” that doesn’t like lifting weights. Because no matter what labels we slap on things, we won’t ever be able to truly erect walls and compartmentalize the world.

So instead we sometimes retreat and refuse to interact with other humans. We can be afraid of getting to know someone, or too lazy to put in the effort that takes. Some people though learn a few defining traits about someone and then fill in the gaps themselves. Or they construct an entire personality from a distance. This sometimes happens with parents towards their kids. They make up a perosna and picture perfect life they want for their kid. Problem is, kids are their own people and they may not have the personality their parents imagined for them. They may not want the same life their parent dreamt up.

We construct the idea of the person and who we think they are without knowing the actual nitty gritty and intimate details of that person. And often, we don’t really want to know those things, we are content with our faulty idea of them. It’s easier for us to look at the pretty cheerleader and fill in our own perceptions of who they are.

Sometimes we like the idea of dating the pretty cheerleader but not getting to know the deeper aspects of her. Parents like the idea of having a doctor child, but don’t consider their child’s feelings. Or worse, they like the idea of having a child and the cute parts, but don’t care to put in the hard work parenting takes.

When this is a loose acquaintance, it doesn’t usually have much consequence. However if it were a parent to a child, An individual to their partner or a close friend, it can have terrible consequences. Discovering that someone you thought cared knows incredibly little about you, it hurts. When you finally figure out why they don’t seem to remember details you have told them is because they forget the things that don’t match their idea of you on purpose, its wounding. It makes you feel raw and alone.

Because someone you love doesnt love you in return, they merely love the idea of you.