Finding Joy in the Little Things
I am so happy to share with you my very first article published on the Positively Balanced platform. This is part 1 of a two part article I wrote on Positive Parenting. I feel like I’m saying positive a lot!
Go check it out! I hope you enjoy the piece. Give the website a look while you are there. Link is below, and as always, thank you for reading.
I am formulaic about everything, even with something like clothes. But its given me a solid base to calculate how much my kids need (also how much I need, or rather don’t need) and given me the confidence that they have enough. I am frequently uncertain and doubt that they are fulfilled and have a high quality of life. One of the areas I find myself doubting is with their wardrobe. I see other kids in nicer clothes or see other kids closets bursting with outfits when mine have no logo on their sweatpants and space in their dresser. I can go back and remind myself they have X number of pants or shirts and that is plenty. They love to wear what they have, they are warm, they are happy and that is enough. I have to remind myself of this. Having my formula helps to reassure me and helps me keep track of what they might be in need of. It helps me keep a handle on what is inside my home.
I buy most everything used. It saves money, so that my children can wear name brand clothing but I don’t have to pay out the nose for it. For seasonal things, like Christmas shirts, or on occasion, like a great sale, or for something very specific, such as my child wanting a certain character shirt, I’ll buy new clothes. But on the whole I get used, or they have been the recipients of hand me downs as well.
There are a handful of things I never buy used simply because they don’t hold up well, or they aren’t good used. Things like underwear and socks, knit pajamas, and shoes. This would go the same for me as well. When a person wears a shoe, they imprint their foot shape and indents where they walk the heaviest into the shoe. You don’t have the posture or gait as that person and you don’t want to be walking in their foot grooves. Buy new shoes, make your own indentations, your feet will thank you. Even if you’re buying the clearance shoe at Walmart, buy new shoes. Knit pajamas just don’t hold up after so many wearings and washings, and aren’t worth buying used. They’re not expensive new anyway. Plus most of the time, two piece sets like that never stay together in second hand shops and I don’t want to buy only the bottom half of some Star Wars knit pajamas. Socks and underwear should be self explanatory.
Another reason I buy used is because it is more environmentally friendly. We don’t really need to be working all these factories to be on top of the trends and always have brand new clothes in our closets. We can look just as fabulous with what we have, or what we can find already made. Kids, I know, grow out of, or wear out their clothing. Adults can be hard on their clothes as well and will eventually need new ones. But we can help slow down the machine if we are buying used clothing. A few celebrities have drawn attention to this by pledging to never buy another piece of clothing. Who knows if they will keep this vow, but I appreciate their effort. And if you say one family not buying new clothing to help the environment isn’t going to make a difference, it’s silly to do so. Well, I can’t control what anyone else is doing, but I can control what I do, and I am going to do what I can no matter how small an impact it makes because it is good. In addition to the fact it is not the only reason I buy used, it’s just one part.
Every year, I take an inventory of my kids clothes in the next size up, to get a feel of how much they have and how much they need. They really could probably get by with less, but I always over plan just to be safe. And I do this probably 6 months before they are going to need it, so by the time they grow into it, they will have plenty and I can buy little bits at a time when I find something and not have one bulk cost all at once.
Each kid gets X amount of different clothing types and when they are deficient in one item, I add it to the list of needs. So, for an example, I would make an inventory list of how much they have in their next size and compare it to my set numbers and then add the difference to my clothing list and keep an eye out for a sale. Such as:
Child’s sz 6 Inventory
Needs: 4 SS shirts, 6 LS shirts, 5 PJs, 7 Pants
In this example I have chosen to make each quantity needed 10, to make it simple, whereas in reality the numbers wouldn’t all be the same. For instance, I usually get them more short sleeve shirts than long sleeve.
How rough the kid is with their clothes and how often they need a change is going to inform the quantities. Small kids may need more outfits because they dirty their clothes more often than bigger kids. Some schools require a spare set of clothes to be kept at school in case of an accident, you’d need to add that to your list of needs. One of my kids is still potty training and sometimes doesn’t make it all the way to the toilet, or misses the toilet, or tries to wipe himself and doesn’t quite get clean. Right now, he has many pairs of pants and I am constantly washing pants and underwear because his dirty pant ratio is high at the moment. Where you live will affect this. If you live in a cold climate where it is often snowing, a good winter coat or snowsuit may be in your inventory whereas someone living in a swampy area wouldn’t need one. Your family dynamic will inform this as well. Does your kid sleep in their underwear and refuse to wear pajamas? They won’t need as many sets of PJs then. Are you a minimalist family that only has a small number of outfits for everyone? Your numbers would more than likely much smaller than mine. Every family unit is different, and so your inventory and needs will look different than someone else’s. I for instance make my children put on clean pajamas every night, so I’ve made sure they have at least enough pajamas to last a week without washing.
I let my children choose their clothes, both from the store and on a daily basis. I’ll take my child with me if I’m going with the intent of getting them some new clothes. I tell them what we are looking for, sometimes this takes a little guidance to keep them on track, and I let them pick out which they want. So we will go to the shirt section and they can choose which one they like best. Other times this looks like me finding 3 or 4 pairs of pants and they can choose one of them. And then their clothes go into the dresser and on most mornings, I tell them to pick out their clothes and get dressed and let them find the outfit they want to wear that day. It usually makes no difference if it matches or not, but it does make a difference in how they feel, and that is more important.
As I said, my kids have been the recipients of some wonderful hand me downs. Gifting clothes to a friend is probably the pinnacle of mom friendship. It is amazing. I cannot stress how important it is to make friends and put in the effort to build bonds with people. And to give of yourself. Give your kid’s old clothes to someone who needs them. Pass that goodness along.
I also shop consignment shops and thrift stores. Many people have caught on to this kids-grow-so-fast-and-I-can’t-keep-up thing and most cities have a kid exclusive consignment shop. These are wonderful. Find the one near you and follow their Facebook page and watch for sales and coupons. Thrift shops are also a big winner. They will have a kid section, but you most likely will have to sift through more chaos to find what you want, but the prices can’t be beat. Most thrift stores also have big sales. Some weekly, seasonally, some have sticker colors that are always clearance. Find those deals! But be cautious, since they have other sections too don’t get sucked into the sweater section and end up leaving with 4 kid outfits and 6 sweaters. I also go to the Just Between Friends sales. They have Facebook pages as well, so find the one nearest you, and follow that page. They are twice a year, and you have to respond and get a ticket to get in. Take the time to reserve the ticket. If you do, you get in free, otherwise you have to pay at the door. I have never left a JBF sale empty handed or disappointed. I’ve never spent over $50 and I always get a bag full of stuff. Garage sales are another place you might find clothes. I’m not a garage saler, so I don’t do this. Some people do and find excellent deals. If you are, go for it! I’m just not. You can also potentially find great clothes somewhere like Facebook marketplace. The trouble I’ve had with some of these is that people want too much for a used item. They are trying to get their money back on it and end up pricing it too high. There is also a risk meeting up with a stranger to buy something. Always, always, always meet in a busy public place not super near to your home. And if you can, don’t go alone. My suggestion for these is to look for the bulk sales. Someone selling a bag of clothes for $30 for example. I’ve gotten some good clothing that way. I got a Spiderman sweatsuit and Mickey Mouse fleece pajamas in one of those bags I paid $20 for. For my Disney obsessed kid, it was worth it.
There are all kinds of ways to fill your child’s closet and save money. Be wise with your spending. You do not need to buy that 4 piece outfit with a bowtie because its half off and it’s super cute. Put down the bowtie. Your child already has a dress outfit and does not need the one that’s 50% off. Look for those deals. Accept the generosity of friends. And give back to others. When you reach the numbers needed for your inventory, don’t buy any more clothes. Don’t fall into the, “it was only $2!” Trap. And rest easy in the knowledge that your kids have plenty of clothes, they love the clothes they have, and you aren’t living in excess. That’s something to take pride in.
I just got my 2020 planner, so lets talk about that.
I have to schedule everything in my daily life. Not everybody has this need, some people don’t need any planner at all, but I am not one of those people. Since I have the Anxiety expansion pack, I have to have a planner. I cannot function without one. Not everybody that has anxiety has this issue. I’ve talked to several other people who tell me that having a planner makes their anxiety worse because seeing everything that needs to be done written down in one place puts their brain into over drive and then shuts down. However for me, if I don’t have a set plan and specific path laid out for that day, the open endedness and the uncertainty give me panic attacks. So I have to make a plan.
I’ve heard from older women who’ve been through the young kid stage already to even plan events like sex. If you write that into your schedule it’s more likely to happen. Sex is important to an intimate relationship and when you’re busy, it often gets pushed to the side. But isn’t sex supposed to be spontaneous deep and intimate? Wouldn’t planning it remove the passion? Now, I know it would seem that scheduling sexy time would take the feeling out of it. But I have two counters to that, kids are unpredictable, if you’re going to get it, you need to get it when you can. You may end up with a scared kid who had a nightmare in your bed and that ends sexy time real quick. And sex is vital. It’s good for your physical and mental health and the strength of your relationship. It’s going to look different for every couple depending on you and your partner, but its important enough to make sure it happens.
You also should be scheduling a few other events. Getting regular dates with your partner and having that time together alone without the children is just as important as having that passionate sex. Make regular date plans for yourself and your partner. These don’t have to be fancy or expensive. You could go get ice cream, go for a walk, sit at home and watch Netflix. Whatever you want to do to get that quality time together. For example, we went and played putt putt on one of our dates, and went to an art museum for another. Your dates don’t have to be dinner and a movie on a Friday evening.
Side note: one of the biggest hurdles couples have is finding a babysitter and the cost of leaving their kids with someone else. Something we’ve done is we’ve made a small group of friends. People we’ve both gotten to know and spent time with. Now, we trade off babysitting with them. They keep our kids one evening for our date night and then we will keep their kids so they can have a date night. It puts me at ease knowing my children are with someone I trust and it doesn’t cost money.
I also encourage you to schedule dates with your friends. You need have time out with people that you like to be with. At least one of these dates should be without your kids. Many times, I’ll make a coffee date and we’ll grab coffee and go sit at the playground because one or both of us have our children. This is of course good for us and our kids, but we also need that quiet time away as well. Myself and a couple friends have a night about once a month where we leave our kids with our husbands and we go paint. Its only a couple hours, but it’s always a refreshing breath of fresh air. Same goes for your partner. Make sure they are getting a little time away with their friends as well. We all need that time to recharge and refresh.
I sometimes worry that my kids are getting out enough. That they aren’t getting enough exercise or fresh air or human interaction. So guess what? I schedule that in too! Dates with their friends, or days outside. That goes on my list of needed activities.
And, don’t forget we need to be scheduling those doctors, dentist, vet, etc. Appointments for ourselves and for our families. I have to write down reminders at the first of the month to myself not to forget to make those appointments.
I went ahead with the Happy Planner this year and got it from Joann’s 50% off and I had an eligible coupon. I also got some stickers to go in it and specifically some Damask Love stickers because I love Amber and I love her designs and her bright colors. Last year I had a generic brand planner I got from Walmart. It worked, but I just didn’t like it as much. I also tried a planner app on my phone to test out a virtual planner. I didn’t like how I couldn’t view things in a zoomed out manner. I understand how there are so many different apps available, but the good ones you have to pay for. Or like the one I downloaded for free, but then I’d have to make in app purchases to get better features. Its just easier for me to buy a paper planner. Its customizable, it gives me the overview and the daily details exactly how I want, and I get more creative freedom with it.
Because I need to plan every detail of the day, I need a planner that has big spaces for me to write everything down. I also need somewhere that also has an at-a-glance look so I can see what’s up this month. Since I need both day-to-day scheduling spaces and a wide view calendar I choose the Happy Planner because it provides me with these things. In addition if there were any specific thing that needed to focus on that year I can add that to my book. There are tons and tons of add ons for the Happy Planner I did not purchase. Do you need to have a section for Meal Planning? They’ve got that! Do you need a section for your health habits? They’ve got an add on for that too! Do you want thousands of glittery stickers? You can get those too!
I do have a budget app on my phone that I use so I didn’t get the Happy Planner budget section you can buy. I bought it once a couple years ago and didn’t really use it, so I knew it would just be a waste of money. The app that I’m using just adds everything up for me and I have to do no math. I think maybe that’s why I prefer the app for budget management when otherwise I prefer using tangible books.
This year, I got something that was kind of a soft color palette. I really like the rainbow ring binder that was on one of the other ones but the rest of the book didn’t quite fit my style. It was rainbow, but with stripes or circles and I like flowers and designs. If it had been rainbow flowers, I wouldn’t have thought twice, but it did not. So mine has a much softer color palette because I chose the one with the bicycle on the front with flowers and vines on the inside.
But because I do love bright colors, I did pick up some Damask Love stickers that I can add to my pages. If you are unfamiliar with Damask Love and Amber, she was a finalist on NBC’s crafting show “Making It” and is now doing the Disney+ show “Disney Family Sunday”. She does mostly paper crafting, and she is clever, brilliant and talented. Her work is always very brightly colored she does not do toned down color or blank pages. I grabbed some of her stickers so I can have a mixture of both soft color on the base and some bright popping add in stickers. I did buy a sticker packet as well that is Happy Planner brand. Productivity is the name of the sticker packet because productive is what I need to be.
At the outset of the month I will sit down and write in the general pencilings of dates. It gives me a framework for what the month will look like. Sometimes if I have things set out farther I can do rough frame for a couple of months at a time. For instance, I can have the structure made for January and loosely around February. This would be when I made any doctor appointments that needed to be scheduled and get those nailed down first. If you work a job, make sure you get that schedule written in now too. Then, I turn to my formula. I have a formula for everything. Like I’ve said, I need structure. My monthly formula includes several events that need to happen each month. Events like, a date night, a day outdoors, 24 hours with no social media, a lunch date with friends, etc. If an event requires making a plan with someone else, I can pencil it in, but I’ll have to text the person and coordinate a definitive time and date. That’s why I always use very erasable pencil for this part.
At the beginning of the week, usually on Sunday afternoon, I will sit down and make the more specifics of that week. Like everything else I do, this too has structure. Each week contains a day to Deep Clean, an Outing, an Activity, a Walk, and a Craft. Everyday I clean and tidy, but once a week I deep clean. This is when the floor gets mopped or the window tracks get cleaned. Days with outings and the activity may overlap with the months events. An outing may be a trip to the Zoo or to a Playdate. This may be the month’s day outdoors or the month’s Lunch with friends. An activity may be like a trip to the playground or something more like blowing bubbles or playing with play dough. Anything that gets us outside. Whether that outside is at the park or outside on our patio, it’s an activity and its outside. Doing a craft and taking a walk are pretty self explanatory. After each of those is placed I’ll write in the mundane tasks that have to be done. Cleaning the litter box, laundry, vacuuming, things like this.
Now for meals, I grocery shop every other week. I’ll sit down with Pinterest and my Recipe Books and list the meals I want to make for the following two weeks. Lunches and Breakfasts as well. From that I’ll write down all the ingredients and make my grocery list. I order my groceries for pickup, but my husband likes to hand pick his produce and I like to handpick my meat. So our pickup is dry goods, juice, frozen food, etc. Then we will go into the store to get fresh veggies, fruit, and meat. When I sit down on that Sunday afternoon, I’ll decide for the next two weeks when I’m going to make the meals I’ve chosen. Take this as you will adjusted to whatever you need whether that is more structure or less.
So let’s get specific. I’ll use my calendar as an example.
In the month of January, you see I’ve got my list of events to fit into the month. I really need to get that printed instead of scribbled in the margin, but it is what it is. I use pencil on the months overview so it can be erased and changed if necessary. For January you can see we are taking our day outdoors at the Playground, we had a lunch date, a Date Night on the 17th, we took two outings, one to the Butterfly Pavilion and one to the Children’s Museum. I also schedule a “pajama day” where we don’t get dressed and don’t do anything but lounge about all day and play games or watch movies. This would be an example of a monthly overview for us.
The week of, the scheduled events can be written in ink, and they are because I like the way it looks better. I’ll take whatever event or activity and write that in on the day. This would also be when I wrote in the meals for each day. And then whatever weekly activity, like my day to Deep Clean, gets assigned a day of the week. For that first full week of January you see I’ve written in the big events of the week, which were our lunch date and 24 hours of no social media. Then the daily mundane tasks like cleaning. And also the not daily but still regular tasks, such as watering the plants, baths, etc. There are other boring tasks that need to be done, but aren’t regular, such as if I need to sweep the patio or pull out and clean behind the couches. This week I deep cleaned on Monday, cleaned and organized the closets on Tuesday, we were out all of Wednesday, Thursday was our lunch date, and Friday was a pajama day.
Once all the boring words are written in, I can add some color. I use a few stickers that I think fit into the activities of the week and look cute. I get out my markers and highlight the biggest tasks that need to be done, or the most exciting. I like to add a few little doodles too. And then in the margin I list my weeks objectives. What do I most want to accomplish this week? Is it to do yoga every morning this week? Is it to write in my journal 3 evenings? Is it to get the toy box to close? For this example week, my goal was to get all the Christmas decorations put away – NO EXCUSES I wrote. I have a bad habit of writing things down, but then putting them off and drawing an arrow to the next day. I had delayed it long enough, and in fact I did delay it a few days even then.
I keep us busy. I like to always have a task ahead. Staying active keeps the kids from getting into trouble because they’re bored. It keeps all of us from getting too much screen time. It helps me keep my anxiety regulated. I need a good planner to make that possible.
Whatever your daily life looks like, if you need some way to keep yourself organized, I suggest finding a planner. That may look differently than mine, but I can’t tell you how much having a planner has helped. I hope I can give a little encouragement or guidance to someone who is flailing trying to figure out how to make this work and make life less stressful. Keeping a schedule this way has aided me in getting my life organized and put my mind at ease that we are fitting everything in.
If other people can refuse to acknowledge the M. Night Shyamalan Avatar the Last Airbender movie because it was truly the most terrible thing ever. And if other people can refuse to acknowledge the 3rd Spiderman movie because it was just bad. And if other people can pretend these movies don’t exist because they hate them that much. Then I can refuse to acknowledge the existence of Toy Story 4.
They didn’t need to make a 4th movie. The 3rd movie closed up the story and sealed everything up perfectly, another movie wasn’t necessary. But they made one. I was honestly hopeful. My generation had loved and adored Woody and Buzz and the other toys so much, like Andy handing them to Bonnie, we could hand the next Toy Story’s to our children. And I was happy the stores were filled with Toy Story merchandise I gladly bought up for my kids. But when we went to see the film, I was also woefully disappointed.
I feel like I’m parroting fans upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, but they completely destroyed the entire story arc of characters to fit this movies storyline. Sitting at the theater with my kid and my husband said to me, “I don’t remember Buzz being that dumb.” That’s because he wasn’t. The other supporting characters were basically none existant as well.
But let’s get right to the crux of it, Woody. From the beginning, we know Woody had trouble sharing the spotlight, but the first movie detailed how he changed his behaviour and found a best friend. He also said multiple times that it never was about how much the toys got played with, what mattered was that they were there for Andy when he needed them. Over and over and over he repeated that. So to think his character would suddenly decide it was ok to abandoned his kid because she didn’t play with him as much is preposterous. Woody wouldn’t do that. Or he truly is the biggest hypocrite.
But on to the actual storyline. In this movie we have a bratty doll who has a nonfunctioning voice box that lives in an antique shop. She is convinced she has never been bought because her voice box is broken. So she tries to bully Woody into giving her his perfectly kept box. At first he says no, but in the end he has pity on her and voluntarily gives her his voice box. While it’s a compassionate gesture on Woody’s part to treat the antagonist with kindness, it’s not the outcome that shows the greatest growth and development. I didn’t like that the awful bully of a character got her way in the end, and only after that did she get a girl to take her home. She, like many others, didn’t need to change themselves, fix the parts they saw as broken flaws to find someone who loved them. They were lovable the way they were. She needed to realize she was perfectly fine without her voice box and had a little girl love her like that. Perhaps the little girl who picked her up could repair her, kind of like the way the girl in Courderoy sewed on a new button for him after she took him home. We are all flawed. All of us with a broken part. Our flaws don’t make us unlovable and unwanted. We are worthy of love, just the way we are. That doll was worthy of finding a child who loved her, just the way she was.
What is the main lesson of Toy Story? That friends stick together. Friends never give up on each other. We spent three movies and a few animated shorts proving that and really driving it home. The toys were ready to face death together. And yet movie 4 is trying to convince me that Woody and Buzz would split up for any reason? I get that it was established Woody and Bo were an item, and that she was gone in the third film. But making her be the reason the gang broke up? Its outrageous. Its uncharacteristic. For both of them. She wouldn’t expect that of him, and he wouldn’t abandon his friends for her. Nobody, nobody will be able to convince me it was the right ending for the movie. Because it was not.
I’m not going to rampage at the writers, or the producers, or the studio about how much I was disappointed in this film. Sometimes you go for an idea and it doesn’t come out right. It doesn’t mean it’s a horrible studio, it just means they made a flub. And apparently the critics liked it as it’s up for awards and had already won some. It didn’t do shabby at the box office either (but then again, what Pixar movie does? Even their worst are still pretty good).
But as much as I don’t hate the creators for making this film, neither do I have to recognize that it exists in the Toy Story universe. In our house, there are only 3 Toy Story films.
Several people had suggested this book to me, but its apparently a pretty popular book as it had a good sized waiting list.
I wanted to read it as I was struggling to find a firm standard to raise my kids that was wholesome and uplifting to them but wasn’t uncontrolled and insane. Growing up the way I did, if a kid made noise or lost control in any way they were not only a bad kid, you were a bad parent. If you didn’t spank your kids, they were bad kids and you were a bad parent.
I didn’t like the way that kind of parenting made me feel, not to mention how it made my kids feel. I was angry all the time, and the strong armed aggressive parenting I’d been taught fueled the anger. I was making my kids into loud angry children and I did not want that for them. I began finding books on childhood development and growth. I wanted to know how best to mold them into good humans. So enters this book. It’s written by neuroscientists, and explains well how the human mind, and specifically the child human man mind is functioning in various scenarios. I think I gleaned as much from this book for myself as for my kids. There is never a point that I felt guilty or ashamed of myself either. You know how sometimes another parent in an attempt to relay what they’ve learned and what methods they use make you feel like such a terrible parent? Like they are so much better and know more and you have nothing figured out? I never felt that reading this book. The authors portray a very gracious tone throughout.
You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect parent who never struggles to survive, who seemingly spends every waking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTA president who cooks organic, well balanced meals while reading to her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then escorts them to the art museum in the hybrid that plays classical music and mists lavender aroma therapy through the air conditioner vents. None of us can match up to this imaginary super parent.
Haven’t we all done that though? That’s why we feel so much guilt and shame. We look at someone else who seems to have it all together and we don’t measure up. But reality says, none of us measure up. Not even that PTA president we think has it all together. When we all bring ourselves to the same level of understanding, we realize, we are more alike than we are different. It’s important not to look down on another person and its important not to hold another person up on a pedestal either. We all make mistakes.
When we learn what our brains are doing and what needs to be done to change that, we have stronger tools when a challenging situation arrives. We can now view and study the mind like never possible in the past. We can see what neurons fire in specific scenarios. This is incredibly helpful to parents as we can know better what to do to grow and strengthen our child’s mind.
One recurring theme I’ve come across that appeared in this book as well, is that children are capable of far more than we think they are, and in our unknowing, we don’t encoursge them to do more. This instance was about emotions. Being able to understand and express complex emotions, and being able to handle big overwhelming emotions. Some adults have trouble doing that. But if we are able to cultivate that growth, kids are able to manage emotion in a healthy manner. This is not only something kids are capable of, it’s something that needs to be developed so they have a mandatory tool to take with them into adulthood.
One big parental temptation is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing.but as often as possible we need to give them the practice at making decisions for themselves.
A big thing I see quite a bit are parents that jump in to help their kid with a difficult or scary task. I’ve even been reprimanded by other parents for not doing this. We need to allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and experience mistakes. We need to step back and let them figure out how to solve a problem. If they made a bad choice, we need to let them handle the consequence of it (so long as that consequence isn’t dangerous). The way a child learns how to manage risk is by managing risk. Stay close by but don’t interfere unless they are at serious risk of harm. Let them climb to the top of the jungle gym. Let them balance on the fallen tree trunk. Let them decide what shoes to wear. Children need to be able to make their own choices and learn critical thinking.
Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. The rate of conflict can even be high, as long as there’s plenty of fun to balance it out. The real danger comes when siblings just ignore each other.
One last big point that jumped out at me was with sibling conflict. I have more than one child and I’ve often worried about this. My older siblings hate each other, and I don’t want that for my kids. But how do I prevent it? According to these doctors, the key is fun. It doesn’t matter if they bicker and fight a lot, so long as they have fun together. This means that the trips we take as a family, the playtimes we have are incredibly important. Playing and having fun is vital to their development and will affect them long term. That’s something I think we all need to remember. If you feel bad that you can’t give your kids the biggest, most expensive, fanciest house and clothes, remember it’s not that important. What is important is that you took your kids to the playground and played with them. What’s important is that you helped your kids make some messy and probably odd looking muffins. Playing with your kids and giving them the space to play together is what stays with them all their lives. The science has even confirmed it.
This is a must read for any parent. It is insightful and enlightening. It explains everything simply and clearly. The Whole Brained Child is an excellent book. I highly highly recommend.
For my son’s birthday, I decided to make a sensory bin for him. For those who may not know what that is, I’ll explain. A sensory bin is typically a plastic tub or a large container of some sort filled with materials and objects carefully selected to stimulate the senses. It can be filled with a large variety of different materials such as shredded paper, water beads, water, pom poms, sand, and more.
This was not the least expensive gift, I will admit, and it did require assembly, but I think he really will enjoy it. Every time we come across kinetic sand he stands there for long periods, fascinated by it. So I knew I needed to include it. Our friend got some water beads and he attempted to get into the tub with them and sit down. So those certainly needed to also be included.
I got a jar of Squoosho’s water beads and Kinetic Sand. I want to emphasis how tiny this jar is. I was shocked when my order arrived and it was a small box. But I also want to make it a point to note how little you need to make a large quantity of beads. This one tiny jar would probably fill a bathtub. The kinetic sand however was smaller than I expected. It’s more dense than plain sand and a smaller amount can weigh more. So the 3 lbs I don’t think was enough, I might go buy another bag. The beads were $9.99, but like I said, you get a lot for that. The sand was $7.29 for 3lbs, but I would go ahead and get the 6lb bag that is $14.
*amendment: I have now learned you shouldn’t get kinetic sand wet, and being in a tote with water beads will get it wet. It’s still functional, but it sticks to your hands after being dampened. So, I now would suggest getting just plain sand.
I found a tote for $9.95. It’s a flat one designed to fit under a bed. I could’ve done fine with a smaller size, but this one is large enough both my kids can play in it and not be all over each other. The only issue I have now with the size I got is that the amount of sand is smaller than I’d guessed, but the water beads are so plentiful, they make up for it.
I got some tiny plastic dinosaurs and reptiles in those assortment tubes. A couple large dinos from the Dollar Tree, and two large rocks my older child collected on nature walks.
I wanted this to be the land and water with the sand and beads. But, the earth is covered with mostly water so I suppose its accurate. I’m justifying the dinosaurs in the beads with the fact some dinos did infact live in the water. Maybe not those kinds, but some of them did! I may drop back at the Dollar Tree and find a sea dwelling dinosaur. I also put a tiny shovel, and sand castle mold in the box. And then I paired this gift with a front loader truck he can also dig with. I got the truck on sale, so I was able to keep the price down!This gift took a little more effort on my part than other gifts would have, but you can’t buy these either. In total, including the front loader I spent close to $40 for all of this. I actually thought I’d save money making a gift, but I did not. It is worth it though to see my gleeful child happy.
This idea floats around every year, and I decided to dive in a give it a try. We already have a Christmas Eve tradition, and this fits in perfectly.
This is a Christmas Eve box. A gift to be opened on Christmas Eve by the kids. It contains Christmas pajamas, popcorn, hot cocoa, a Christmas book, some candy, and The Polar Express.
Pro Tip: I learned the hard way that Christmas PJs are a common tradition and they sell out quickly. Especially if you want matching ones. I’ve gotten pajamas at Walmart, Target, and Carter’s. Good thing about Carter’s is they have decent sales and coupons. But I’ve taken to buying the pajamas before Thanksgiving just to be sure I’d get the ones I wanted.
After it’s opened, we get everyone into their pajamas and read the book. Then we make the popcorn and cocoa. We drag every pillow, stuffed animal and blanket into the livingroom and build a fort. Grab the snacks and turn on the Polar Express.
The kids usually fall asleep in the livingroom, and we carry them to bed and tuck them in.
It’s a warm and cozy tradition, and I love it.
Everyone has heard about people who have December birthdays and hate them. Having a child born in December means I’ve got to make an effort to keep his birthday special.
One of the biggest things I’ve heard from December babies is how their parents would just let them pick a gift from under the tree early, or wrap it up in Christmas paper. They’d get a Christmas themed cake and party. Christmas over shadowed their entire birthday while summer babies get an entirely seperate holiday on their birthdays. So for our family, this means I need to make the point to keep his birthday separated from Christmas. His gifts are never wrapped in Christmas paper or bags. His cake is always birthday themed and never red or green. We don’t put any gifts under the tree until after his birthday is over. He never gets his Christmas gifts for his birthday, meaning he gets the same amount of gifts as his brother for Christmas and other gifts for his birthday. This forces me to start planning his birthday early so I am able to fit all his gifts and everything for Christmas into the budget. But it keeps his birthday a birthday and not just another ornament on Christmas.
Another issue I’ve heard about December birthdays is that kids get regifted, unwanted Christmas gifts at their parties. This is something I as the parent can’t really control. My birthday is in January, but I don’t remember this being a thing, but I also don’t remember the gifts I got, so it’s possible it happened. My only solution to this is to teach my kids to value good friendships. My goal isn’t to encourage them to stack up as many friends as they can, but to nurture good friendships. While I’m sure there will be a year when he wants to invite his entire class to his party, I’m hoping they learn quality over quantity. So if that means they have smaller parties with their besties, I’m ok with that. But I also hope that means they receive gifts from those friends that aren’t regifted white elephant gifts their friends didn’t want.
I don’t really know if my efforts will ensure my son will love his birthday beyond degree, but hopefully it means he won’t hate it beyond degree.
One of the traditions I’ve started with my family is that everyone gets a new ornament each year. When the kids got big enough, they picked out their own ornaments. It’s an event now. Going out to the store, picking out everyone’s ornament and then going home to put them on the tree.
A couple years ago, an old boss gave me some little trees she’d used for table center pieces. I’m guessing she got them from somewhere like Michael’s.
I kept one for each of us so that the ornaments from Christmases past could be put on them and then placed in the child’s room. So each kid has their own personal tree, filled with their favorite things.
I’m going to need to find bigger trees soon though, as you can see, this one is already full, and this child has only seen 3 Christmases.
This does add a little more expense to the Christmas budget. One way to keep this down is to find the sales. I’ve found that a lot of craft stores put their Christmas stuff on sale fairly early. For example, we got ornaments this year from Joann’s at 60% off. This can usually keep our ornament cost down.
The biggest bonus for me is the fact that my kids love having their own ornaments and personal tree. They run around declaring who’s tree it is. When they grow up, I can give them their ornaments to start their own family Christmas trees with.
Most of all, it brings joy to our home, and that makes it all worth it.
It’s coming up on the holidays again, and my annual reminder to pay attention and listen to your kids and get to know who they are. Not who you think they should be or how you want them to be, who they are.
This was always glaringly obvious to me during the holidays. I felt ignored and never felt heard throughout the year, but it was amplified on Christmas morning. Because as I opened gifts, I realized none of them seemed to belong to me. They weren’t things I liked or had interest in. It was like my mom was buying gifts for someone else and accidentally wrote my name on the package. Occasionally, they would be what I’d asked for, but the cheapest knock off version possible. But this wasn’t because I asked for expensive gifts or they had no money.
This was displayed best the year I asked everyone to not buy me anything. I was very interested in photography and I wanted a good camera but couldn’t afford one. So I asked everyone to contribute to my savings for a camera and photoshop. Not buy me a camera, just add to my savings for one. My parents response to this was to not tell any of my siblings what I’d said, buy themselves a new camera and gift me their old one. And then gave me several other gifts I don’t even recall.
Or when I asked for an iHome to go with my fancy iPod touch I’d purchased with my own money, they bought me a set of $15 speakers.
When my brother gave me a bottle of sweet red wine from a local winery because he gathered from conversation what kind of wine I liked, my mother gave me a pair of blowout clearance (she proudly told me later) leopard print shoes, because she didn’t know how much I HATE animal print.
It never is the gift itself per se, it’s the underlying knowledge that she didn’t know enough about my likes and dislikes to know how much I hate animal print. Or that I felt like they didn’t think I was worth spending the extra to buy me an actual iHome, or a solid colored pair of shoes that weren’t as clearanced.
This is definitely layered on top of year round emotion and was not limited to Christmas morning. I didn’t feel heard when I tried to talk about a manager I felt like was out to get me because halfway through I was interrupted to be asked what I did wrong. I didn’t feel emotionally safe to express my feelings any time of year because every time I tried to open up I was attacked. I couldn’t ever voice a complaint because I’d be told how good I had it and my mom had it so much worse. But Christmas seems to just amp up the emotion and magnify the problem like you are an ant burning in a sunbeam.
If you are wanting to give an experience, you should know what your child is into doing, and do it with them. Because the time spent with you is the most precious thing. If you are trying to be creative and save some money, maybe can’t afford the thing they asked for, take notice of the other things they show interest in. Or be honest and explain it’s too expensive and ask what else they’d like, and listen to their ideas. Sometimes money really is the problem. Your kid wants a new video game and you can’t afford to drop $60 on it. I get that struggle, trust me, we’ve been there. Then you really need to know your kid, know their personality, likes, who they are. Listen. You’re children may surprise you with ideas.
Listen to them. Listen all the time. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t belittle their experiences or the feelings they have about them. Don’t ignore the parts of them you’ve decided don’t fit your perfect picture you have painted for their life. In fact, don’t paint that picture.
Just. Listen.
Dose of Sunshine 