Tag: friends

family

What defines a Good Friend

Andi

Starting at my earliest memories, I had two best friends. I think I had other friends, because there are photos of me with other people, but I can only genuinely remember these two. I still have contact with both of these individuals through the invention of social media. One of them I have no other contact with outside of that. We never chat. The other we do interact over social media and occasionally chat over text or call.

In my teenage years I had a lot of friends. I remember being told that as an adult I’d only have a few friends, that a few good friends was better than many shallow friends. I thought it was total nonsense. I had a lot of friends and I loved all of them and thought they all loved me. I must simply be extraordinarily fortunate because I had many good friends. Most of these friends were from church or from the Summer Missions program I did with Child Evangelism Fellowship. Quite a few of these I still have minimal contact with via Social Media. Some, I’ve completely lost contact with. A handful I’ve purposely cut contact with. There were two I considered my best friends and a family I thought of like my own family. One of these best friends and I had a falling out over a relationship I thought was not good for her and which she wanted to pursue. She is no longer in this relationship, but we never rebuilt the friendship however and only interact over Facebook and the like.

The family and other friends I had within the church have all but fallen away. They were the biggest hurt I felt after leaving the church. They had been the people who loved me, who said they’d be with my through thick and thin. Some even claiming my other relations weren’t true friendships, only they were my true friendships. And I believed them. I believed they loved me and whatever I did or whatever happened, they’d still love me. But the harsh reality was they wouldn’t always be there for me. They would all disappear like a morning fog as the sun warms the earth. As soon as I left the church group, they left me behind. Even so much as to ignore me when I did come around as though they’d never known me. Some of these people I have purposely removed all contact with, a small few I still have social media contact with, but do not talk to otherwise. Only one of them has made any contact with me since I left the church. One out of the approximately 20 strong friend group we had developed.

After I had children my friend group changed again. Not to add mom friends, I didn’t have mom friends when my kids were really small. I kept the friends I had. Some had had kids by then and some hadn’t. I couldn’t fully explain to you what happened. Maybe it was the result of the kids. I had a few friends who became more and more shallow to me. It appeared to me they were putting up this fancy I’m-rich-and-super-spiritual façade and I had no energy to keep up with it. Their appearance was incredibly important to them and it just wasn’t to me. I think it started to produce a distance between us until it became a canyon. One of them, who actually had kids as well, met up with me at a splash pad. We sat next to each other on the same park bench and didn’t say a word to each other. It was awkward. We didn’t know what to say to one another anymore. The only conversation we had was instigated and revolved around the kids. We haven’t spoken since. Although I do still have social media contact with these people, its very minimal and mostly nonexistant.

By the time our family moved out of the state I’d grown up in, I only made a point to see three people before I left. One of them was the group of elderly people who always came into the cafe I worked in to have coffee after their morning walk. Another was a single friend I’d kept contact with, but admittedly hadn’t seen much of. When we made the move for some reason I guess I assumed people would still keep in touch despite the distance. The people who really cared about me at least. No one did though. I didn’t know anybody in the new state and nobody I knew in the old state bothered to keep in contact. I was overwhelmingly lonely. I watched an unhealthy amount of anime and Spongebob.

I knew I had to put myself into contact with people to make friends, so I joined a MOPS group. I was placed at a table with the exact right people. It was an instant connection with most of them. Of course I still have internet connection with them, and I see them on regular dates and get togethers. And then, someone I’d known years ago during my Summer Missions time got in touch with me and told me she wanted to just talk. We still text every month or so and catch up about what’s been happening. She and I both have kids of similar ages and know each others families. One person, I’d made contact with in a Facebook group happened to live close to me, and I decided to meet for coffee. She and I have several similarities, and the meeting was good. We’ve started to develop a friendship from there, but it’s still very young.

Through all of this, there have been a couple constants. My other best friend and I have been through some rough patches and had issues over time, but we have also been able to grow and build a strong relationship. He was the third person I made a point to see before we moved. The same time we moved, they moved in the opposite direction. That put quite a bit of physical distance between us. But we manage with regular phone chats. Of course with social media and texting keeping in contact has made long distance a little easier. Now, I would say he is my only best friend. My husband and I also have a friend he met through an old job. We lived next door to them for a while, and since moving have met and been befriended by their family. They were such a magnificent help to us during our big move. Our relationship has relaxed and become more casual. We’ve gone on a few double dates, and usually just lounge about when we hang out. We of course have contact over social media, but most of our contact is face to face or through a phone call.

I’ve seen a lot of friends come and go, and quite a few I still have at least some kind of contact with. But social media contact alone isn’t a proper gauge for a friendship. You don’t have the deep connection from that tiny thread of contact social media provides. Neither does seeing someone once every few years when you make the trek back home and come across them while you’re there visiting your family.

What does classify a good friend?

I always go back to a quote by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

There have been only three people on this earth that I have always felt completely safe with. People I’ve never felt the need to perform for or display only pieces of myself to appease them. My brother, my best friend, and my husband. I have more than one brother, but only one of them do I feel close too. He and I are the closest in age and spent the most time together growing up. We, I think, have the closet relationship out of the siblings. My best friend, the one who I went through that hard patch with, I have never felt awkward with. Even during that time, I had no fear about detailing to him why I was angry with him. And my husband. Even when we first met and I had butterflies galore and I was crushing on him, I never felt afraid of him. I was never cautious that if he knew me completely he’d break up with me. So, I never held anything back, and I still never do. He may be irritating sometimes, but he is still my biggest comfort.

Another trait many people associate with friendship is loyalty. Will that person be with you through thick and thin? This is certainly a good thing to consider. I’ve found more often than not, the answer is no. The term “fair weather friends” didn’t just make itself up. People are willing to ditch their friends for any myriad of reasons. Their new boyfriend didn’t like them, or they didn’t like the new boyfriend. You have a child and they didn’t and don’t feel relatable to you anymore. You separate from your spouse and they don’t approve. You don’t end up separating from your spouse and they don’t approve. You discover you have differing political views and they can’t stand you anymore. You start going to a different gym. On, and on, and on.

I’ve also learned people tend to all have very short term memory. They probably will not remember to give you a call or send a text. Once you no longer have consistent contact with someone, they won’t bother to keep in touch. It seems to just be the norm. When you leave a job, most of your coworkers, even ones you were friends with, will probably fade away because you won’t be put in contact with them everyday at work. When you graduate school, it’s not likely you will keep those fellow classmate friendships you had. You aren’t running into them and looking them in the face regularly, so you drift apart and forget each other. It is just what seems to happen. The old adage, “out of sight out of mind” is apparently true for human relationships. This is probably why when I was younger I heard several times, long distance relationships don’t work. Apparently, most humans can’t hold onto relationships from far away.

Some may say a good friend has similar interests, is trustworthy, is honest. And I’d agree, but I’d also say that all of those kind of roll back into the person you feel safe with. That person who you have no fear of leaving because you told them a dark secret. A person that understands your humor is someone you are comfortable with. A person who can hear your story, love you, maybe give you some hard honest advice, hug you, and help you move forward. That person, is your comfort and safe zone.

But I will say, a good friend is a dependable friend. The one you can count on to be there for that hard moment, and the good moment. Sometimes, stuff happens, especially if you and your friend have kids and dates have to be cancelled. But when a friend cancels every date one after the other, or simply doesn’t show up, it wears you down. You can’t rely on them to make it to a scheduled date, or at least text you before and let you know plans have changed. How will you depend on them when you really need them? When you call scared and alone, are they available to you? When you need advice, are they willing to chat? Everyone has schedules and everyone is busy, but are they always too busy for your friendship? If you need help, do they tell you I’ll call you back when I’m not swamped and we can talk or do they just ignore you and never call back. Can you depend on them at all? That is a marker of a good friend. Can you depend on them.

Going through life, particularly if you are an emotional or empathetic person, you will develop bonds with people. And even if you know in your head how humans work, losing one of those bonds hurts. It can wound you deeply. I know that I for a time didn’t want to meet any new people. I was afraid of making friends because why should I if they’re all just going to abandon me? I, apparently, put way more meaning into a relationship than the other person does and time after time, I’ve been burned. It makes me overly wary of new people. I’ve lost a friend over a boyfriend. I lost a friend over religion. I lost many friends over church. I lost a friend over a false rumor. I’ve been wounded and not sure if having friendships was even worth it. I don’t trust new friends.

But humans need other humans. It’s just how we are made. If I lock myself in and refuse to have contact with people, my anxiety amplifies, it grows, it starts to over take me. I need to be outside. I need nature. And I need friends. We all need friends. Study after study has shown that social interactions help not only our mental health, but physical health as well. A study done in Alameda County, California of more than 7,000 men and women, begun in 1965, Lisa F. Berkman and S. Leonard Syme found that people who were disconnected from others were roughly three times more likely to die during the nine-year study than people with strong social ties. We need to be around other human beings.

So I’m learning that out of all the connections I’ve made throughout my life, most of them will probably melt away. I probably won’t have the same relationships in 10 years as I do right now. But out of those many, I’ve made a few deep connections. I’ve had to go through a lot of friendships to find the ones that really stick. So the adults in my teen years were right. I do only have a few good friends, and that is better. Because they are my comfort, they are loyal and they are dependable.

And that really is what a good friend is isn’t it? The person you can find comfort in that won’t be scared away by who you are. The person you can depend on to be there for you, and that is only shown by experience. The person who is loyal, that will make the effort to keep in touch and keep building the friendship, even if you don’t see each other every day, and that is only shown with time. And you will probably only have a small handful of these good friends, and that’s not only ok, that is better.

family

Hedgehogs

Andi

Guys, theres a little detail about myself you should know. I hate hedgehogs. I know they look cute adorable, but they are secretly mean!

This is not without reason. A reason I will share with you.

A few years ago, I went with a friend, to a pumpkin patch. This was before kids, and we were just there to have fun together. They had several farm animals there you could pet or feed, or just look at. Lots of pumpkins of course. A camel you were able to get rides on. And then there was this hedgehog. It was sitting a small box like enclosure, not really being supervised. You could pick it up and hold it. So we did. My friend held it first and it was calm and relaxed. Then she handed it to me and that tiny cute little furball took the opportunity to bite the daylights out of my finger. This thing has a tiny mouth and thin pointed teeth. It was like being poked with itty bitty needles. I screamed and dropped it back into the box. My finger hurt like the Dickens. That hedgehog showed no remorse whatsoever either.

In retrospect, it was not supervised. It was in a small box. There was only one, and it probably hadn’t been taken away for a break. It was more than likely striking out in stress and anger for being over handled. It was just my unlucky finger that got the strike.

But it still hurt. Listen, hedgehogs have needle like teeth, and they will bite. Be aware.

It’s also worth noting the friend that was with me sent me a hedgehog themed card last Christmas. She’s taunting me at this point.

I still have it.

family

Toy Story 4

Andi

If other people can refuse to acknowledge the M. Night Shyamalan Avatar the Last Airbender movie because it was truly the most terrible thing ever. And if other people can refuse to acknowledge the 3rd Spiderman movie because it was just bad. And if other people can pretend these movies don’t exist because they hate them that much. Then I can refuse to acknowledge the existence of Toy Story 4.

They didn’t need to make a 4th movie. The 3rd movie closed up the story and sealed everything up perfectly, another movie wasn’t necessary. But they made one. I was honestly hopeful. My generation had loved and adored Woody and Buzz and the other toys so much, like Andy handing them to Bonnie, we could hand the next Toy Story’s to our children. And I was happy the stores were filled with Toy Story merchandise I gladly bought up for my kids. But when we went to see the film, I was also woefully disappointed.

I feel like I’m parroting fans upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, but they completely destroyed the entire story arc of characters to fit this movies storyline. Sitting at the theater with my kid and my husband said to me, “I don’t remember Buzz being that dumb.” That’s because he wasn’t. The other supporting characters were basically none existant as well.

But let’s get right to the crux of it, Woody. From the beginning, we know Woody had trouble sharing the spotlight, but the first movie detailed how he changed his behaviour and found a best friend. He also said multiple times that it never was about how much the toys got played with, what mattered was that they were there for Andy when he needed them. Over and over and over he repeated that. So to think his character would suddenly decide it was ok to abandoned his kid because she didn’t play with him as much is preposterous. Woody wouldn’t do that. Or he truly is the biggest hypocrite.

But on to the actual storyline. In this movie we have a bratty doll who has a nonfunctioning voice box that lives in an antique shop. She is convinced she has never been bought because her voice box is broken. So she tries to bully Woody into giving her his perfectly kept box. At first he says no, but in the end he has pity on her and voluntarily gives her his voice box. While it’s a compassionate gesture on Woody’s part to treat the antagonist with kindness, it’s not the outcome that shows the greatest growth and development. I didn’t like that the awful bully of a character got her way in the end, and only after that did she get a girl to take her home. She, like many others, didn’t need to change themselves, fix the parts they saw as broken flaws to find someone who loved them. They were lovable the way they were. She needed to realize she was perfectly fine without her voice box and had a little girl love her like that. Perhaps the little girl who picked her up could repair her, kind of like the way the girl in Courderoy sewed on a new button for him after she took him home. We are all flawed. All of us with a broken part. Our flaws don’t make us unlovable and unwanted. We are worthy of love, just the way we are. That doll was worthy of finding a child who loved her, just the way she was.

What is the main lesson of Toy Story? That friends stick together. Friends never give up on each other. We spent three movies and a few animated shorts proving that and really driving it home. The toys were ready to face death together. And yet movie 4 is trying to convince me that Woody and Buzz would split up for any reason? I get that it was established Woody and Bo were an item, and that she was gone in the third film. But making her be the reason the gang broke up? Its outrageous. Its uncharacteristic. For both of them. She wouldn’t expect that of him, and he wouldn’t abandon his friends for her. Nobody, nobody will be able to convince me it was the right ending for the movie. Because it was not.

I’m not going to rampage at the writers, or the producers, or the studio about how much I was disappointed in this film. Sometimes you go for an idea and it doesn’t come out right. It doesn’t mean it’s a horrible studio, it just means they made a flub. And apparently the critics liked it as it’s up for awards and had already won some. It didn’t do shabby at the box office either (but then again, what Pixar movie does? Even their worst are still pretty good).

But as much as I don’t hate the creators for making this film, neither do I have to recognize that it exists in the Toy Story universe. In our house, there are only 3 Toy Story films.

family

Christmas Cards

Andi

It’s a beautiful day! Christmas is coming up fast and I decided this year I wasn’t going to ship gifts and everything had to fit into a regular envelope with a regular stamp.

Sidebar: shipping is expensive!! I spent more on shipping gifts than I spent on the gifts themselves. I could not believe how much the cost of shipping was. End Sidebar.

So, to make things still a little special and unique, I decided to make hand crafted Christmas cards. Luckily, I have a friend that does paper crafting and we set a date to bring all of our supplies together and spend the day making cards.

We crammed the table space we had full of stamps and dyes, scissors and glue. Time went by so quickly as we got sucked into our crafting.

We did accomplish our goal. They are not anywhere close to perfect, but they are still pretty cute. More importantly, we, both mothers, got some time together to enjoy each others company.

family

Every Girl Needs a Little Black Cat

Andi

We’ve all heard the saying that if a black cat crosses your path it makes you unlucky. We’ve all seen the witches and their black cat companions. Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch was my favorite. But where is the truth and where is the myth when it comes to these sleek creatures?

First, I’m sure you’ve heard, black and grey animals, both dogs and cats, are less likely to be adopted than other colors. While this may be a little bit of a myth there is truth in it as well. The fact that 33% of all cats in shelters are black and 22% grey is true. That’s half of your average shelter being either black or grey. The myth comes from the fact that even though they get adopted at the same rate, when you start with more of one color you are more likely to still have some in the end. So let’s say you have 3 black cats and one orange one and the one orange and one black get adopted, you still have 2 black ones left at the end of the day. The same number of each color was adopted, but there are so many black and grey ones in shelters they are often what is still left in the shelters. This also means they have the highest euthanasia rates of any color as well. This applies to both cats and dogs. So many shelters have started running adoption events and campaigns to get their black animals adopted. One headlining with the slogan Adopt Your Own Mini Panther! And successfully adopting all of their black cats.

But does color really matter? About 50% of people say, no, it makes no difference to them when adopting a pet. However 26% said yes, it was important. Some people believe solid colored animals are more anti social and mean than multi colored pets. I do not believe this, but I would fall into that 26% as I only adopt black or grey cats. Unless someday my kids find a pet they adore, I probably won’t be able to tell them no.

And we come to the big myth, are black cats unlucky? Well, I can confirm, it is untrue. I’d be in big trouble if it were based on how many times black cats have crossed my path. This superstition seems to be pretty localized in America and a few other countries. In fact, a lot of places have good luck myths involving black cats. In Ireland and Scotland black cats are very lucky, supposedly bringing wralth and prosperity. In Japan a black cat is believed to bring suitors to a single woman. But in America, they are associated with witches and bad luck. So much so, than some shelters don’t allow any adoptions of black or grey kitties in the month of October. I keep my cat inside the day of and the weekend before Halloween and don’t allow him into the yard where he likes to go and pounce around. This is to protect them from the truly awful individuals in the world who would beat up and be cruel to the cat. 13% of Americans still believe black cats are superstitious. Even if myself and the shelters are overreacting to a sparse few bad stories, it’s a better safe than sorry situation.

But let’s get down to just some solid facts about these beauties. There are more male black cats than female. This rings true in my personal life as all but one of my cats has been male. Some black cats will start to grey as they age and become lighter in color. And most black cats have golden eyes, more rare are green eyes. My cat has these hazel colored eyes, but it’s possible they are golden and I’m choosing to see green in them because I want to see green in them.

I will say, each cat has it’s own unique personality. Some are more withdrawn and aloof, some are cuddly and loving, while others are perky and active. What’s more imprtant than the shade or color of a pet is how they will mesh and fit into your family. Be careful and take time to lovingly bring them into your home. Treat your pet with respect and graciousness. But, based on how many black an grey dogs and cats are euthanized every year, it’s my mission to save as many of them as I can.

family, My Story

The Gangs All Here

Andi

Here is Part 5 of my life story. If you have not seen the earlier parts, I’ve categorized these all as Family, with the sub category My Life. If you click that category on this post it will take you directly to all the others. Thank you each for reading my story.

I’ve been trying to leave Oklahoma for years. Ideally, my dream is to live in the French Alps. We talked about moving to Houston, to Austin, to Kansas city, to Canada. But ultimately each time something prevented us from following through. So when an opportunity to move to Colorado arose, we jumped on it. My husband said yes at first I think not believing I was being serious, but I was. I hated Oklahoma. It’s too hot in the summers, and too cold in the winters. There is nothing to do there. The schools are not great. My mother is there. So my husband and I started the hard process of moving out of state.

The thought of us moving did not please my mom. She began to question me about my dreams.
One afternoon she shows up at my door and wants to talk. She apologized for not knowing my favorite animal, that she didn’t know a lot about me because I didn’t tell her. It was true, I didn’t tell her anything. She never listened. If it didn’t fit her perfect picture, she pushed it aside and forgot it. This encounter though just made me more angry. She was sitting there saying she was sorry she didn’t know I really did like elephants that much but not for never realizing I struggled with depression. Not apologizing for trying to get to know me as me and not just the parts of me she liked. Not apologizing for limiting me because of her own fears. Not knowing my favorite animal was just a small scratch at the surface. I had to breath deep and let it go. At least she made some effort.

But then things turned sour again. My husband left for Colorado to work and find a place for us to live. My mom tried everything she could to inhibit our move. She tried to make me feel bad for leaving her. Then for robbing her of her grandchildren. Then tried to scare me by saying it’s too expensive, we will never be able to make it. (Which was just a shielded insult towards my husband) then tried to convince me I was abandoning Gods will for my life, he didn’t approve of this move, like she somehow knew what my life was supposed to look like. Then she got angry and told me I was running my family off a cliff because I was blinded by my own selfishness. None of them worked. In fact, they made me more determined to leave.

It was right at 4 months that we were apart. And they were the worst 4 months of my life. I’ve never missed someone. I thought something was broken in my emotions. Other kids in summer camp got homesick, but I didn’t want to go home when it was time. I have never missed my parents. Usually because my mom was never more than 10 miles away from me at any given time but that’s irrelevant. I thought I literally lacked the capacity to miss another human. Until about 2 weeks into that 4 month stretch. My chest felt hallow and it physically ached. I remember sitting in the sunroom thinking, is this was missing someone feels like? I dont like it. It was also highly stressful. We were both on edge the whole time and that made us snappy with each other. We have never argued as much before. I wanted to strangle him a couple times. It was a very hard 4 months. I was having panic attacks 4-5 times a week.

But, this was the time period in which I met my Friend Mom. I had to get a job to offset moving costs and that is where I met her. I could’ve been her child, but I was nothing like any of her children. In 4 months she knew me better than my actual mother and became very maternal towards me. We still talk about once a month, and she’s the person I call when I don’t know how to wash a pillow.

Finally, 4 months later, the boys and I were able to join my husband in Colorado. Our biggest move yet, and we accomplished it.

After we got to Colorado, my panic attacks stopped almost completely. By this time all my friends had slowly fallen away. I only made a point to see 3 people before I left town. And then, after I got moved, 2 of them stopped talking to me. I had no friends. And the one I still had, lives couple thousand miles away. I was incredibly lonely. I cried watching Spongebob, that’s how bad it was.

But I knew, if I was gonna have friends, I had to get out and meet people. I reconnected with some people I’d known as a kid but hadn’t seen or talked to in years. She suggested I join a local Facebook group. So I did just that. In that group I responded to someone’s comment and we started chatting. She in turn invited me to her MOPs group. So I went. What was the harm in trying. That turned out to be an incredibly good choice on my part. There are 5 of us who really bonded together. We’ve gone out on dates with just us and playdates with our kids. It seemed like such a random happenstance occurence. I know it wasn’t, but it sounds crazy when I say it out loud.

We also have a friend we met in Oklahoma who’s family also lives in the area, and they’ve kind of just accepted us as their own. We went there for Chirtsmas and Thanksgiving. Her sister and I have gotten to know each other over the months and her nephew and my oldest are best buds now.

So I have gone from nothing to a web of friends in just a few months. It’s still not the same as being in the city you grew up in where you just had aquantences in every which place. But for me, when 75% of those individuals drudged up bad memories, not running into people in the grocery store is a good thing.