Tag: childhood

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Doctor Who?

Andi

I was about 13 or so, living in the southern midwest, when someone first asked me if I’d ever seen Doctor Who. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they insisted I watch it, so I did. David Tennant was the Doctor at the time, and the first episode I ever saw was Series 3 Episode 10 “Blink”. I was enraptured. 

Doctor Who held all the markers of television I love; its quirky, funny, heartwarming, thrilling and exciting. Even though from the start I knew it was intended as a children’s show, I continued to watch it throughout highschool and college. When a friend of mine went to Ireland, she brought back a foot tall TARDIS for me that I still keep on my bookshelf. I’ve had friends gift me posters they bought at cons and blurry photographs of the actors. It was fairly common knowledge I was into this show. 

Why? You may ask, Where you so into a British Children’s show? I think its because of the Hope. There is always a solution, no matter how big the problem. No matter what happens, the Doctor never gives up on humanity. How resilient! How Brilliant! We always find a way. It didn’t matter if a massive armada was poised to attack, they always came up with a master plan, even if it was the last minute. There was always Hope. And I needed Hope. I needed to be told I was Strong and Resiliant. 

There are two episodes that made me weep. I know, I am emotional with movies and I do cry a lot, but not usually with shows intended for humor or drama. However, there are two that continue to stab me in the feels. 

The first is the episode when David Tennant regenrates. He was my first doctor and I had definitely formed a kind of attachment to his doctor. He is still my favorite (so sorry, Tom Baker). It was an emotionally charged episode anyway, and when he wimpered, “I don’t wanna go” I lost it. Knowing Tennant is the second longest running Doctor, right behind legend Tom Baker, his departure had to be an emotional event for everyone. 

The second was Series 5 Episode 10 “Vincent and the Doctor”. It still makes me cry every time I watch it. As someone who has struggled with their mental health and knows on a personal level what it feels like, this episode hits me in a very deep personal place. Maybe because I wish so badly someone were able to go back and do that for Vincent. Maybe because I know how much that would have meant. Maybe because to know I had made a difference, that I really was important, would turn me to mush. It is a very personally emotional epsiode for me. 

If you didn’t know, there is a ton of lore and fun facts about the Doctor Who universe. Its been on TV since 1963, with a brief hiatus and revival in 2005. Thats a long time to gather trivia. 

Some tidbits are those that have kind of gotten lost through time, like the fact that the show started as an educational children’s show about science and history. I’d have watched that, and probably enjoyed it based on how much I enjoyed The Magic School Bus as a kid. And some things that were literally lost. There are about 100 episodes of the original series that have been lost. Through the help of fan’s personal collections and some super lucky finds in mislabeled containers, the episode library is being rebuilt. 

The Doctor is firmly solidified in history and in space. In 1984 a new asteroid was discovered and named Asteroid 3325 TARDIS, which its discoverer Brian A. Skiff named for the Doctor’s Police Box. The fame of the Doctor reached great heights in the 70s and 80s. So much, that Paramount set on a mission to make a Doctor Who film starring Michael Jackson as a Time Lord. Unfortunately, this never came to pass, and we all lowered our heads in sadness. 

Both David Tennant and Peter Capaldi were big Whovians when they were children. Tennant citing his desire to be the Doctor as his reason for getting into acting. Capaldi made Who themed fan art and often bothered BBC to make him the fanclub president. The fans do make the best characters though, as both Tennant and Capaldi are two of my very favorites. The Doctor has been a rather gigantic part of Tennant’s life, both personally and professionally. David Tennant is married to a woman named Georgia, whom he met on the set of an episode entitled “The Doctor’s Daughter”. Except Georgia IS the Doctor’s Daughter. Her father is Peter Davison, the Fifth Doctor. Several years ago, Georgia interviewed their child on his favorite doctor. Its Tom Baker. Tennant later went on to revise the role of Scrooge McDuck in the new DuckTales (also made by now grown fans of the original) another character I love. I keep my Scrooge McDuck with my desk TARDIS for giggles. 

Doctor Who has meant a lot to me throughout my life. My favorite will always be Tennant, followed closely by Baker and Capaldi. The show gave me fun and humor when I needed it, but most of all, it showed me that Hope can always be found even in the most dismal of times.

family, My Story

Modesty: it doesnt mean what you think it means

Andi

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

This is what I think when I hear people talking about modesty. Because more often than not, what they mean is how much of a woman’s body is covered by her clothing. They love to quote scripture here too. 1 Timothy 2 is a common one. And sometimes will detail a list of attire they deam appropriate. They love to quote the Proverbs 31 woman as being covered in fine linens to mean she’s modestly dressed because she’s covered. But let’s look at the verses a little more deeply, avoid applying our own perceptions to them, and see what conclusions we come to.

Before we get started, I’m listing here the Miriam Webster 1828 Dictionary definition of modest.

MOD’EST, adjective [Latin modestus, from modus, a limit.]

1. Properly, restrained by a sense of propriety; hence, not forward or bold; not presumptuous or arrogant; not boastful; as a modest youth; a modest man.

2. Not bold or forward; as a modest maid.

3. Not loose; not lewd.

4. Moderate; not excessive or extreme; not extravagant; as a modest request; modest joy; a modest computation.

Notice how only one of these definitions could even potentially be applied to dress and appearance. In fact its base word it is derived from is defined as a limit.

I find it is very important when reading spiritual texts is to understand both the time in which it was written, and the language it was written in. Having a good handle on the language you are reading it in is also a big help.

First let’s look at the verses in 1 Timothy that are so often used. I’m going to use the KJV as its probably the one you heard as a kid or the person arguing for this would use.

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
1 Timothy 2:9-10 KJV

Now, just for a comparison, read these same verses but in the Amplified version.

Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves modestly and appropriately and discreetly in proper clothing, not with [elaborately] braided hair and gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but instead adorned by good deeds [helping others], as is proper for women who profess to worship God.
1 TIMOTHY 2:9‭-‬10 AMP

In this instance, κοσμίῳ is the Greek word used in 1 Timothy. Its defined as well arranged, seemly, modest. Interestingly when I stuck this in Google translate, which is using modern day Greek, it came out as cosmic.

Now, let’s take a look at Proverbs 31: 21-22 again in both the KJV and AMP simply for comparison.

KJV

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

AMP

She does not fear the snow for her household, For all in her household are clothed in [expensive] scarlet [wool]. She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is linen, pure and fine, and purple [wool].

And lastly this piece of Proverbs that describes a woman with the attire of an harlot, and I have heard used to line out what a harlot does look like and how not to look like one. This is Porverbs 7:10-12

KJV

And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart. (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house: Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.)

AMP

And there a woman met him, Dressed as a prostitute and sly and cunning of heart. She was boisterous and rebellious; She would not stay at home. At times she was in the streets, at times in the market places, Lurking and setting her ambush at every corner.

Other verses describing the “evil woman” or an “unfaithful woman” don’t give us an image of her appearance or attire. They are filled with descriptions of her sharp tongue, her smooth words, and inappropriate behaviors. As though our actions are more vital than our clothing.

Now let’s go back to the top, to Timothy and the verse that uses the specific word, modest. Isn’t it interesting that the majority of those verses are about elaborate and expensive clothing? It says, costly array. This verse states we should wear modest apparel, not gold plated and expensive, but rather clothe ourselves with good works. We obviously cannot literally cover ourselves with good works, but a point was being made here. Are you more worried about having nice things than you are about caring for your fellow human? Do you greedily spend all your money on gold necklaces and ignore the hungry child? This is what was happening in the early church. In the Amplified version it says it is proper for people who worship God to help others. So according to the 1 Timothy passage, our selfishness is the issue, not how much skin is showing. Modest means moderate, not excessive or extreme, and this is the exact meaning of the word in this verse.

Now the passage in Proverbs 31, I think is pretty straightforward, but nonetheless, I’ll go over it. This woman is first off, not a real woman. But she is held as the pinnacle of godly womanhood. She is indeed someone impressive. She’s intelligent, financially prudent, crafty, businesslike, and loving. But the verses discussing how her children are warm in winter and her family can afford expensive clothing because of her wise investments has nothing to do with how much that expensive clothing covered her body. These verses are expressing her families prosperity more than anything.

Now the verses from Proverbs 7 say to beware a woman with the attire of an harlot. But what is the attire of an harlot? If this had been written today, you might describe a woman with lots of makeup, short tight skirts, maybe fishnet tights. But surprisingly clothing was not the same when this was written as it is now. So if trends and styles have been changing continuously then how are we to know what the attire of a harlot is and how do we avoid it? First of all, based on every other verse describing bad women, your actions and words play much more into your appearance than you think. This woman speaks softly and tempts the young man to come home with her. She is unfaithful to her husband, and lays in wait at every corner. Secondly this verse suggests there was a specific way harlots dressed and if I said the word prostitute, you know a specific image came to your head. So I think society plays a piece in this idea of harlots attire.

Another thing to consider is to take a look at our biology. Every part of our bodies has a function, even parts we have sexualized. Woman’s breasts can be sexual, but that is not their primary purpose. They are meant to produce milk to feed our young, exactly like every other mammal on earth. Elephants don’t cover to breastfeed. Our necks house our esophagus and throat. Our feet hold us up when we stand and our toes keep us balanced. But yet some people are aroused by neck biting, and foot fetishes are a very real thing. We cannot cover every piece of the body that arouses somebody or we’d all be walking around in body bags. The only body part designed and meant for sex are the sexual organs, and even they serve a purpose to reproduce as well. So we can’t make modesty rules based off of potentially being considered sexual. Beside the fact that this is a big variant, we can’t cater to everyone. And nowhere does the Bible say, woman be sure not to tempt that random man at the store, it says men keep better control of your eyes.

I know, I know they use the verse about not causing a brother to stumble, but I also refer you back to we’d be walking around in body bags. And that verse discusses being mindful of a friends struggles and helping them as they heal and grow. That random man isn’t my friend and I’m not responsible for his growth, he is. Plus, in the state of him growing, he will eventually not be tempted and be able to control his eyes. I am not to remove temptation from his path, whatever his temptation may be, he is learning to control himself.

Additionally, what does this teach girls and women? If we are to dress in such a way as to not cause any man, anywhere, to stumble or look at us lustfully, what are girls learning? To start with, this is impossible, you cannot keep every man ever from looking at you and thinking, “Dang, I’d like to tap that” no matter how you dress. Go back again to, we’d have to be walking around in body bags. But this is placing the personal growth and responsibility of all men and boys on women, not on the men it belongs with. It is no woman’s duty to keep another man from sinning. That is his duty. We are each responsible for our own actions, it is no one else’s, only ours. It is degrading and insulting to inappropriately place that duty on the shoulders of girls.

This is also degrading to our men and boys. You are teaching them they have no control, no limits. You are telling them they are barbaric and stupid, while simultaneously telling them they are in charge and in control of women. If you say it enough, they will believe it. You are teaching them if they see a scantily clad woman in the mall, they aren’t able to avert their eyes and wrangle their thoughts. You are teaching them it’s the woman’s fault, not theirs.

Which leads directly into, this nonsense feeds rape culture. From youth these boys are being taught they are not at fault, that a womans attire can literally make them insane. If they are not to blame when they have lustful thoughts, its only two steps further to say, it’s not their fault they raped a woman, because she was wearing a low cut blouse. Case after case after case have proven this is horse manure. Men and women have been assaulted in pajamas, robes, floor length pants and long sleeve shirts. It is never what they were wearing, it is always because a disgusting person attacked them. But we’ve also seen case after case of assault victims coming forward and their rapist is defended and they are demonized. Sadly, we see this a lot in the IFB group. Satan is not attacking your pastor, this is not spiritual warfare. Your pastor assaulted teen girls and he is a bad person. Period. End.

To say the idea of modest dress being disproportionately applied to women didn’t effect my childhood would be the biggest lie I ever told. I sometimes look at old pics and just cringe by how awful I was dressed. I’d be told they didn’t want me to dress frumpy, they wanted me to dressed tastefully. That was a lie. I looked like a boat.

I started pushing back fairly early, so I had to go back pretty far to find a picture that exemplified what I mean by good gracious I looked terrible.

You (and by you here I mean women and girls) couldn’t wear a shirt more than three (some places it was two) finger widths below your collarbone. Have you ever measured that? Its remarkably high, much higher than the average shirt comes. So shirts under shirts were incredibly common. Pants were out of the question. They were seductive and clung to the body exposing the curves of your female form. If you needed to do a physically strenuous activity in which a skirt would be indecent, you were provided with culottes. Should you be unaware what a culotte is, it is a knee length overly poofy legged split skirt. Historically I think they were created for women during the Victorian era to remain ladylike but be able to ride a horse (don’t quote me on that though). Some of these were pleated and so full in the legs you couldn’t tell they were culottes. Those were ideal.

Shirts were never to be sleeveless, some people wouldn’t allow cap sleeve shirts either. Shoulders and armpits were not to be shown, and an exposed bra strap was indecent. Your shirt also needed to be long enough that even with your arms raised over your head, it still covered the waistband of your skirt or culottes. Skirts varied a small bit. Some people said a skirt had to come to the knee, some specified that a skirt had to come to the knee while sitting, and others still dictated that your skirt had to cover your knees while sitting. Even the type of fabric of your clothing was regulated. Clingy fabrics like spandex blends were not allowed as they tended to stretch and hug the body. Your clothes had to be loose fitting and not show any form of your body. Girls were allowed to wear jewelry but your leadership could deny you the ability to wear something they deemed “too gawdy”. Only one ear piercing, no brightly colored makeup, no unnaturally colored hair, small necklaces only and one or two bracelets.

Boys had dress codes too but they were much shorter than for the girls. Boys were also not allowed to wear sleeveless shirts. They weren’t allowed to wear jewelry except for a watch and the men allowed a wedding band. Boys and Men were also not permitted to wear shorts. I’m honestly not sure of the reason for this. The girls could show their calves, but the boys could not.

Of course no outlandish hairstyles or colors. Neat hair dos. Clean and well kept clothes and hair were mandatory. Somehow God cared about your hair being brushed.

For how much I heard Samuel’s anointing David because, “God does not look on the outward appearance because God sees the heart” preached, I remember God caring a lot about how I looked. To dress modestly was pleasing to God. In explanation of why God cared so much when he looks on the heart, was because we were to be separate from the world in every way. Someone should be able to look at us and know we were Christian. God also cared because he loved all his children and didn’t want one of them to cause another to sin. In the case of looking different we definitely succeeded. Even the boys and men stuck out in a crowd usually. The women looked odd and frumpy in their loose shirts and long skirts and the men looked like struggling bussinessmen in their tucked in collared shirts and loose legged high waisted khaki pants. Especially in a group, we stuck out. As to not causing someone to sin, I think I’ve covered satisfactorily.

After I left the church I went through a phase of awkwardness. I never went through the discovery teenage phase because I hadn’t been permitted to. I had no idea what looked good on me or what styles I liked. Through controlling how I looked and how I thought and acted, my confidence and self image had been destroyed. Or rather, it had never been allowed to grow strong. I was not just building a personal clothing style, I was building myself. Then I entered a phase of anger. For a long time I couldn’t wear a skirt or dress of any kind. I still had my skirts, but I never wore them. Eventually that started to fade and I’d wear skirts and dresses but I couldn’t wear denim skirts. If I did wear a skirt it had to be too short for the church’s guidelines or I’d have to wear it with a tank top or low cut blouse. I was afraid if I wore something they approved of, I was falling back into their grasp. I finally realized that even years down the road, the group I’d left behind was still dictating how I dressed. I was still being controlled. I got rid of all of my clothes I’d had as a youth. I had to clean the space of it. I realized that no matter what I put on, I was still somehow breaking their rules. Their rules were so outlandish that by dressing like a normal human, I wasn’t falling close to their grasp at all. I realized that it didn’t matter how I dressed, how I live and believe is so contrary to them, I couldn’t fall back to them.

I have noticed over the years some churches and localised groups have started to shift in terms of apparel as the younger generations come up an take on leadership positions. You may actually see a woman at a church event in jeans. I see this as mostly good, but it has also created this double standard. The organization as a whole has not changed, and the churches haven’t changed their tunes on modesty. So it makes dress even more complicated. It’s ok to wear jeans to an activity, but not to a church service, and not to a different church’s event. And you can wear jeans, but not too tight and not with any holes. You may wear a dress shorter than the knee, but wear leggings underneath of it to cover your legs. None of this is spoken, it’s just this odd understanding that nobody is sure who made up. Instead of relieving pressure, it’s just made more. But hopefully, this will progress further and real relief will be seen in the future.

When you dress yourself what is your purpose for wearing what you do? If you wish to dress modestly remember these things actually taught in the Bible. Are you spending more money and effort on your clothes than you are helping those in need? How do you behave and carry yourself? Is it seductive and tempting? Are your sexual organs covered? Then if you are good on all counts, wear what you want with confidence and don’t let anyone shame you or convince you to change. You are modest.

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Positive Parenting pt 2 As published on Positively Balanced

Andi

The second part of my Positive Parenting article has been published on the Women’s Health platform Positively Balanced.

This platform is a project I am so honored to be working on. There are all kinds if resources already available and we are growing and building the platform every day. Check out my piece, and then read some of the other work on the site!

Have a stupendous day!

Positive Parenting: Part 2 The Principles

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Toy Story 4

Andi

If other people can refuse to acknowledge the M. Night Shyamalan Avatar the Last Airbender movie because it was truly the most terrible thing ever. And if other people can refuse to acknowledge the 3rd Spiderman movie because it was just bad. And if other people can pretend these movies don’t exist because they hate them that much. Then I can refuse to acknowledge the existence of Toy Story 4.

They didn’t need to make a 4th movie. The 3rd movie closed up the story and sealed everything up perfectly, another movie wasn’t necessary. But they made one. I was honestly hopeful. My generation had loved and adored Woody and Buzz and the other toys so much, like Andy handing them to Bonnie, we could hand the next Toy Story’s to our children. And I was happy the stores were filled with Toy Story merchandise I gladly bought up for my kids. But when we went to see the film, I was also woefully disappointed.

I feel like I’m parroting fans upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, but they completely destroyed the entire story arc of characters to fit this movies storyline. Sitting at the theater with my kid and my husband said to me, “I don’t remember Buzz being that dumb.” That’s because he wasn’t. The other supporting characters were basically none existant as well.

But let’s get right to the crux of it, Woody. From the beginning, we know Woody had trouble sharing the spotlight, but the first movie detailed how he changed his behaviour and found a best friend. He also said multiple times that it never was about how much the toys got played with, what mattered was that they were there for Andy when he needed them. Over and over and over he repeated that. So to think his character would suddenly decide it was ok to abandoned his kid because she didn’t play with him as much is preposterous. Woody wouldn’t do that. Or he truly is the biggest hypocrite.

But on to the actual storyline. In this movie we have a bratty doll who has a nonfunctioning voice box that lives in an antique shop. She is convinced she has never been bought because her voice box is broken. So she tries to bully Woody into giving her his perfectly kept box. At first he says no, but in the end he has pity on her and voluntarily gives her his voice box. While it’s a compassionate gesture on Woody’s part to treat the antagonist with kindness, it’s not the outcome that shows the greatest growth and development. I didn’t like that the awful bully of a character got her way in the end, and only after that did she get a girl to take her home. She, like many others, didn’t need to change themselves, fix the parts they saw as broken flaws to find someone who loved them. They were lovable the way they were. She needed to realize she was perfectly fine without her voice box and had a little girl love her like that. Perhaps the little girl who picked her up could repair her, kind of like the way the girl in Courderoy sewed on a new button for him after she took him home. We are all flawed. All of us with a broken part. Our flaws don’t make us unlovable and unwanted. We are worthy of love, just the way we are. That doll was worthy of finding a child who loved her, just the way she was.

What is the main lesson of Toy Story? That friends stick together. Friends never give up on each other. We spent three movies and a few animated shorts proving that and really driving it home. The toys were ready to face death together. And yet movie 4 is trying to convince me that Woody and Buzz would split up for any reason? I get that it was established Woody and Bo were an item, and that she was gone in the third film. But making her be the reason the gang broke up? Its outrageous. Its uncharacteristic. For both of them. She wouldn’t expect that of him, and he wouldn’t abandon his friends for her. Nobody, nobody will be able to convince me it was the right ending for the movie. Because it was not.

I’m not going to rampage at the writers, or the producers, or the studio about how much I was disappointed in this film. Sometimes you go for an idea and it doesn’t come out right. It doesn’t mean it’s a horrible studio, it just means they made a flub. And apparently the critics liked it as it’s up for awards and had already won some. It didn’t do shabby at the box office either (but then again, what Pixar movie does? Even their worst are still pretty good).

But as much as I don’t hate the creators for making this film, neither do I have to recognize that it exists in the Toy Story universe. In our house, there are only 3 Toy Story films.

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The Whole Brained Child

Andi

Several people had suggested this book to me, but its apparently a pretty popular book as it had a good sized waiting list.

I wanted to read it as I was struggling to find a firm standard to raise my kids that was wholesome and uplifting to them but wasn’t uncontrolled and insane. Growing up the way I did, if a kid made noise or lost control in any way they were not only a bad kid, you were a bad parent. If you didn’t spank your kids, they were bad kids and you were a bad parent.

I didn’t like the way that kind of parenting made me feel, not to mention how it made my kids feel. I was angry all the time, and the strong armed aggressive parenting I’d been taught fueled the anger. I was making my kids into loud angry children and I did not want that for them. I began finding books on childhood development and growth. I wanted to know how best to mold them into good humans. So enters this book. It’s written by neuroscientists, and explains well how the human mind, and specifically the child human man mind is functioning in various scenarios. I think I gleaned as much from this book for myself as for my kids. There is never a point that I felt guilty or ashamed of myself either. You know how sometimes another parent in an attempt to relay what they’ve learned and what methods they use make you feel like such a terrible parent? Like they are so much better and know more and you have nothing figured out? I never felt that reading this book. The authors portray a very gracious tone throughout.

You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect parent who never struggles to survive, who seemingly spends every waking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTA president who cooks organic, well balanced meals while reading to her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then escorts them to the art museum in the hybrid that plays classical music and mists lavender aroma therapy through the air conditioner vents. None of us can match up to this imaginary super parent.

Haven’t we all done that though? That’s why we feel so much guilt and shame. We look at someone else who seems to have it all together and we don’t measure up. But reality says, none of us measure up. Not even that PTA president we think has it all together. When we all bring ourselves to the same level of understanding, we realize, we are more alike than we are different. It’s important not to look down on another person and its important not to hold another person up on a pedestal either. We all make mistakes.

When we learn what our brains are doing and what needs to be done to change that, we have stronger tools when a challenging situation arrives. We can now view and study the mind like never possible in the past. We can see what neurons fire in specific scenarios. This is incredibly helpful to parents as we can know better what to do to grow and strengthen our child’s mind.

One recurring theme I’ve come across that appeared in this book as well, is that children are capable of far more than we think they are, and in our unknowing, we don’t encoursge them to do more. This instance was about emotions. Being able to understand and express complex emotions, and being able to handle big overwhelming emotions. Some adults have trouble doing that. But if we are able to cultivate that growth, kids are able to manage emotion in a healthy manner. This is not only something kids are capable of, it’s something that needs to be developed so they have a mandatory tool to take with them into adulthood.

One big parental temptation is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing.but as often as possible we need to give them the practice at making decisions for themselves.

A big thing I see quite a bit are parents that jump in to help their kid with a difficult or scary task. I’ve even been reprimanded by other parents for not doing this. We need to allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and experience mistakes. We need to step back and let them figure out how to solve a problem. If they made a bad choice, we need to let them handle the consequence of it (so long as that consequence isn’t dangerous). The way a child learns how to manage risk is by managing risk. Stay close by but don’t interfere unless they are at serious risk of harm. Let them climb to the top of the jungle gym. Let them balance on the fallen tree trunk. Let them decide what shoes to wear. Children need to be able to make their own choices and learn critical thinking.

Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. The rate of conflict can even be high, as long as there’s plenty of fun to balance it out. The real danger comes when siblings just ignore each other.

One last big point that jumped out at me was with sibling conflict. I have more than one child and I’ve often worried about this. My older siblings hate each other, and I don’t want that for my kids. But how do I prevent it? According to these doctors, the key is fun. It doesn’t matter if they bicker and fight a lot, so long as they have fun together. This means that the trips we take as a family, the playtimes we have are incredibly important. Playing and having fun is vital to their development and will affect them long term. That’s something I think we all need to remember. If you feel bad that you can’t give your kids the biggest, most expensive, fanciest house and clothes, remember it’s not that important. What is important is that you took your kids to the playground and played with them. What’s important is that you helped your kids make some messy and probably odd looking muffins. Playing with your kids and giving them the space to play together is what stays with them all their lives. The science has even confirmed it.

This is a must read for any parent. It is insightful and enlightening. It explains everything simply and clearly. The Whole Brained Child is an excellent book. I highly highly recommend.

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Precious Ornaments

Andi

I have these ornaments, and they’ve been on every tree I can remember. They are a pair of figure skaters, and they were made by my Grandma Fern.

Well, she wasn’t really my grandma. She was my dad’s brother’s wife’s mom. So she was my cousins grandma, but not mine. But she lived down the street from my aunt and uncle and we visited every December.

She did a lot of bead crafting. I can remember her craft room with an entire wall of drawers filled with every color bead you can imagine. She gave me several ornaments over the years and I still have most of them. This pair was one of the first.

She had rheumatoid arthritis, and gradually her hands became more and more stiff. Eventually she became unable to handle the small beads. The last ornament she gave me is a little elf that my son now thinks is his.

Her last few years she developed alzheimer’s and she passed this last year. I’d not thought about it until I pulled all these beaded ornaments out of their boxes and it rushed over me. I hadn’t seen her in the final stages, but in a way, I don’t regret that. In my mind, I still see the smiling face cheerfully showing me how to craft. That’s the face I want to hold onto. That’s the face I remember when I hang this skating couple on my tree.

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Just. Listen.

Andi

It’s coming up on the holidays again, and my annual reminder to pay attention and listen to your kids and get to know who they are. Not who you think they should be or how you want them to be, who they are.

This was always glaringly obvious to me during the holidays. I felt ignored and never felt heard throughout the year, but it was amplified on Christmas morning. Because as I opened gifts, I realized none of them seemed to belong to me. They weren’t things I liked or had interest in. It was like my mom was buying gifts for someone else and accidentally wrote my name on the package. Occasionally, they would be what I’d asked for, but the cheapest knock off version possible. But this wasn’t because I asked for expensive gifts or they had no money.

This was displayed best the year I asked everyone to not buy me anything. I was very interested in photography and I wanted a good camera but couldn’t afford one. So I asked everyone to contribute to my savings for a camera and photoshop. Not buy me a camera, just add to my savings for one. My parents response to this was to not tell any of my siblings what I’d said, buy themselves a new camera and gift me their old one. And then gave me several other gifts I don’t even recall.

Or when I asked for an iHome to go with my fancy iPod touch I’d purchased with my own money, they bought me a set of $15 speakers.

When my brother gave me a bottle of sweet red wine from a local winery because he gathered from conversation what kind of wine I liked, my mother gave me a pair of blowout clearance (she proudly told me later) leopard print shoes, because she didn’t know how much I HATE animal print.

It never is the gift itself per se, it’s the underlying knowledge that she didn’t know enough about my likes and dislikes to know how much I hate animal print. Or that I felt like they didn’t think I was worth spending the extra to buy me an actual iHome, or a solid colored pair of shoes that weren’t as clearanced.

This is definitely layered on top of year round emotion and was not limited to Christmas morning. I didn’t feel heard when I tried to talk about a manager I felt like was out to get me because halfway through I was interrupted to be asked what I did wrong. I didn’t feel emotionally safe to express my feelings any time of year because every time I tried to open up I was attacked. I couldn’t ever voice a complaint because I’d be told how good I had it and my mom had it so much worse. But Christmas seems to just amp up the emotion and magnify the problem like you are an ant burning in a sunbeam.

If you are wanting to give an experience, you should know what your child is into doing, and do it with them. Because the time spent with you is the most precious thing. If you are trying to be creative and save some money, maybe can’t afford the thing they asked for, take notice of the other things they show interest in. Or be honest and explain it’s too expensive and ask what else they’d like, and listen to their ideas. Sometimes money really is the problem. Your kid wants a new video game and you can’t afford to drop $60 on it. I get that struggle, trust me, we’ve been there. Then you really need to know your kid, know their personality, likes, who they are. Listen. You’re children may surprise you with ideas.

Listen to them. Listen all the time. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t belittle their experiences or the feelings they have about them. Don’t ignore the parts of them you’ve decided don’t fit your perfect picture you have painted for their life. In fact, don’t paint that picture.

Just. Listen.

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Mister Rogers

Andi

So many adults grew up with Mister Rogers gently singing to them and reminding them they were perfect just the way they were. I was a kid in the 90s, so I got all the reruns, but he was still prominent even then. However, he has impacted me more as an adult than he did when I was a child. With the new film coming out this month, I think talking about him is appropriate.

Fred Roger’s was a musician, an artist, and an ordained minister. His ordination was to minister to children through the medium of television. He apparently was witty and slightly snarky as well if you listen to his family and work mates. He was creative and driven, and worked hard to make his vision come to life. The documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” contains many of these first hand accounts of his gentle character and clever humor.

Mister Rogers never wore a collar or said he was a minister in his show, but his faith drove what he did. He very firmly believed that God made you just the way you are. You didn’t need to change anything. You are worthy of love, because God loves you, and as a follower of God, it was his duty to love you. He believed children were very bright and able to grasp even complex concepts. That they have very strong emotions and should be able to not only express them but know how to process them. Talk about them. Understand them. Your strong emotions aren’t flaws to be subdued, but God made parts of you. So a homosexual was perfect and worthy of love. A child with a disability was perfect and worthy of love. A person of color was perfect and worthy of love. A person of a different faith than his perfect and worthy of love. He displayed this on his show and in his life in the way he treated other people. Always with respect and always with kindness.

He is one of the only people of faith I look up to and desire to imitate. The kind of faith he had is what the world needs. It doesn’t need the anger. It doesn’t need the hate. It needs the powerful love. And a person brave enough to show it.

He is also a model of good parenting in my eyes. Kids need to know their emotions aren’t bad, but they need to know what to do with those emotions. They need to know they are special, the way they are. As parents, we need to be teaching our kids how to process their feelings in a healthy manner. Children should also be given the comfort of knowing they have love for who they are.

It is beyond fathom for me to imagine any person on earth that disliked Fred Rogers, but they existed. He got questioned about his own sexuality because he was soft and talked about his feelings. People said he was evil because he told kids they were special without having to work for it. He was blamed for entitled children. Rumors started that he wasn’t actually a kind gentle man, he was a hardened Marine who was covered in tattoos and killed lots of people. None of these were true, but I find it interesting the worst rumor they could come up with was tattoos and military service. There were enough people that hated him that there were protesters outside his funeral. People said he was going to hell, not because he was gay because he wasn’t, but because he tolerated gays. He told them he liked them, and God loved them, and apparently that is abominable. That’s the kind of man this was. He was hated for loving people.

This shows me two things: that someone is always going to dislike you and how to respond to those that do. Even someone as magnificent and unproblematic as Mister Rogers had people calling him evil. The kinds of people pointing fingers at you may be different, but there will be someone who doesn’t like you. But despite knowing some mocked him or hated him, Mister Roger’s never stopped treating each person he met with kindness. It had to get discouraging at times, and his family has said there were times he’d get upset, but no matter what he’d process the emotion, and step out to the world with a smile and a hug.

He is an example to us of what faith should look like, how to teach children, and how to face with world with grace.

Additions:

I think Tom Hanks is probably the only person, on earth, that could portray Fred Rogers.

I’m sure some people wonder why I love Mister Rogers so much, but I don’t care for Daniel Tiger. Despite the fact the characters are named after Rogers neighborhood friends and his own tiger puppet. I am aware. But the trouble is Daniel Tiger is trying to be Mister Rogers. They are attempting to recreate the magic for a new generation, but they just can’t. No one can. And Mister Rogers Neighborhood doesn’t need to be updated in my opinion. His voice is captivating and his singing is charming. My overly active kids enjoy the original show and pay attention to it as much as any of their other shows. Daniel Tiger is certainly not the worst show, it has some good parts, but it is also lacking in some as well. Perhaps I’m just being biased as well.

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Don’t Limit Them

Andi

As you might imagine if you’ve read my life posts so far, my home life was very restricted and sheltered. I wasnt allowed to consume any entertainment that wasn’t Christian and because of the type of church we were part of, it had to be from another Independent Fundamental Baptist Christian source. I wasn’t allowed to listen to contemporary Christian music and certainly not secular music. We only had one small 13 inch TV that stayed in the parents bedroom, which was off limits to us. The books I read were monitored. I wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter because it was demonic and so I convinced myself I didn’t like it. In middle school my mom actually had me removed from a literature class at my Private Christian school because she didn’t like the book. My mom would preview a book she hadn’t read before to make sure it was ok. I never saw the shows the rest of my generation grew up with, the songs everyone else loved or the books they were reading. Any form of entertainment I liked I had to hide, read only at school, watch at friends houses, listen to on the school bus. It defintely made me odd and out of place.

When I started showing an interest in video games, my parents of course went overboard with it. I had a laptop by that time I had bought with my own money and Halo I also bought. My mom got online and read all the backstory and read so deeply into it, she was convinced it was anti Christian and took it away from me. Not to mention it was uncouth and unladylike to play video games. I had to buy anything for myself, but I didn’t have money. So like everything else, it got limited to what I could play at friends houses.

My mother didnt like the “nerd phase” as a whole. She hated sci-fi movies because they gave her weird dreams, and the only reason she’d have weird dreams was because of the devil and she wasn’t about to let the devil into her house. My likes got squashed frequently. About the only thing I could get away with was Doctor Who and that was only because an old missionary friend said he’d watched it as a kid and loved it. So she rationalized it must be ok then.

After I moved out, I got a TV and an Xbox and two games: Halo and Bioshock. I bought Star Wars and LOTR posters and put them all over my walls. I could finally Express myself however I pleased. When I met my husband one of the things we had in common was video games. But he played Playstation, and I played Xbox. So there is proof the two can coexist peacefully 😛 We now have both, in addition to an NES and a Gamecube.

My parents still think it’s simply a phase I’ll grow out of, but it’s been over a decade, I don’t think its passing. I’ve introduced it to my children. One of the first words my son said coherently was Spiderman. So no, I don’t think its passing anytime soon.

Point is, don’t try to limit or shame your child’s interests because you don’t understand why they have them. Even if it is just a phase, they are growing into adults and learning along the way. Don’t inhibit their growth. Let them discover the world and decide what they like and who they want to be.

family, My Story

Notebook

Andi

I was digging around in the closet, looking for decorations when I came across a notebook, an old steno pad. I thought it was something my husband had been using for work notes, so I just set it aside and kept looking for my decorations. But when I did open it, work notes is not what I found. Instead I found one of my grandmother’s iterneraries for a trip we took to Texas and her daily journal. It was of course all hand written and very detailed. She wrote down everything from what I got at a Walmart stop to the miles we travelled in a day and what campground we stayed at.

It was an instant jump back in time for me. I could hear her voice as I read her handwritten notes. It brought up warm and happy memories and made me smile.

It’s always the little things that end up meaning the most isn’t it? I have bigger, nicer things from my grandparents, but they don’t warm my heart quite like a notebook full of Grandma’s thoughts. Those handwritten captions on the back of photographs, that random doll Grandpa bought for me in New Mexico. Those are the little things I hold closest to my heart.

Also that steno pad contained these masterworks of my approximately 5 year old skill.

What is that? Is that a giraffe? Maybe a baby and mama. But that doesnt explain the other ones with dark necks. Were those beards? Why does one look like it has a butt for a face? I couldn’t tell you! I have no recollection of drawing these, and 5 year old me was a special kind of imaginative. But to the world’s delight, my grandma preserved them for everyone. Thank goodness because the longer I look at them, the funnier they get.