I want to talk about one of my favorite artists for a moment, which is Vincent Van Gogh. And I want to talk about him because he was talented and unique, but also tormented and lonely.
Vincent was born in the Netherlands, but moved several times throughout his life, living quite a bit around France. He was very religious, at one point attending seminary. But school was just not his cup of tea. He dropped out of different schools more than once, despite being decent at keeping good grades. Instead of focusing on his studies, he would wander about the countryside and walk for miles and miles each day. He loved being outside in the quiet of nature.
He consistently wrote to his brother throughout his entire life, and it’s from these letters that we can really catch a glimpse into this man’s life. Many people speculate that Vincent had a mental disorder, but as medicine was not what it is today, no one is 100% certain what it was. What we do know is that he experienced severe episodes of depression. He admitted himself into a mental institution for a time, during which he painted a Starry Night. We also know he felt panicked at times, he kept a dreadful diet, was addicted to coffee, and saw no real appreciation for his work during his lifetime.
In this way I feel oddly connected to Vincent. I don’t suffer from manic depression, but I know the feeling of uselessness. Like I have no gifts, no special talent, like nothing I will do will ever matter to anyone. He was unappreciated in his time, and he felt intense pain. Sometimes that aching pain is overwhelming, and the intrusive thoughts make the dark corners creep in. Everyone wants to feel like they have a purpose, and when you don’t, you feel lost. You begin to wonder, why do I keep trying? I will never be successful at anything. Everything I love to do, I suck at. Like I have a curse to be bad at everything I like. And this feeling pops up at the weirdest times, when you least expect it. But we do have one thing he did not, we have much better mental health care now. I can search and find a professional to help me. And it saddens me he didn’t.
But you know one thing that carried with Vincent throughout his entire life? His art. He is one of the most prolific artists of all time. He used color and texture in ways not seen before. He saw beauty in things, no one else saw. So, I suck at gardening. I’m bad at video games. I sound like a wheezing horse when I sing. But I’m going to keep doing it. I’m going to buy another tomato plant, and try again. I will continue singing in the kitchen and no one will stop me. And I will keep playing games I love because I like playing them and for no other reason. Because 🖕🏽 you dark creeping thoughts, you won’t overcome me.
Vincent Van Gogh never saw his namesake museum. He never knew his painting could sell for nearly 4 million dollars. He won’t ever know that he is taught in art classes. But we do, we know his legacy, we can love him now. Maybe somehow, he can see us from the great beyond, and maybe he’d shed a tear. And maybe he’d tell you, no matter the negativity, never give up on the things you love the most.
Dose of Sunshine 