Tag: comfort

Starting at my earliest memories, I had two best friends. I think I had other friends, because there are photos of me with other people, but I can only genuinely remember these two. I still have contact with both of these individuals through the invention of social media. One of them I have no other contact with outside of that. We never chat. The other we do interact over social media and occasionally chat over text or call.

In my teenage years I had a lot of friends. I remember being told that as an adult I’d only have a few friends, that a few good friends was better than many shallow friends. I thought it was total nonsense. I had a lot of friends and I loved all of them and thought they all loved me. I must simply be extraordinarily fortunate because I had many good friends. Most of these friends were from church or from the Summer Missions program I did with Child Evangelism Fellowship. Quite a few of these I still have minimal contact with via Social Media. Some, I’ve completely lost contact with. A handful I’ve purposely cut contact with. There were two I considered my best friends and a family I thought of like my own family. One of these best friends and I had a falling out over a relationship I thought was not good for her and which she wanted to pursue. She is no longer in this relationship, but we never rebuilt the friendship however and only interact over Facebook and the like.

The family and other friends I had within the church have all but fallen away. They were the biggest hurt I felt after leaving the church. They had been the people who loved me, who said they’d be with my through thick and thin. Some even claiming my other relations weren’t true friendships, only they were my true friendships. And I believed them. I believed they loved me and whatever I did or whatever happened, they’d still love me. But the harsh reality was they wouldn’t always be there for me. They would all disappear like a morning fog as the sun warms the earth. As soon as I left the church group, they left me behind. Even so much as to ignore me when I did come around as though they’d never known me. Some of these people I have purposely removed all contact with, a small few I still have social media contact with, but do not talk to otherwise. Only one of them has made any contact with me since I left the church. One out of the approximately 20 strong friend group we had developed.

After I had children my friend group changed again. Not to add mom friends, I didn’t have mom friends when my kids were really small. I kept the friends I had. Some had had kids by then and some hadn’t. I couldn’t fully explain to you what happened. Maybe it was the result of the kids. I had a few friends who became more and more shallow to me. It appeared to me they were putting up this fancy I’m-rich-and-super-spiritual façade and I had no energy to keep up with it. Their appearance was incredibly important to them and it just wasn’t to me. I think it started to produce a distance between us until it became a canyon. One of them, who actually had kids as well, met up with me at a splash pad. We sat next to each other on the same park bench and didn’t say a word to each other. It was awkward. We didn’t know what to say to one another anymore. The only conversation we had was instigated and revolved around the kids. We haven’t spoken since. Although I do still have social media contact with these people, its very minimal and mostly nonexistant.

By the time our family moved out of the state I’d grown up in, I only made a point to see three people before I left. One of them was the group of elderly people who always came into the cafe I worked in to have coffee after their morning walk. Another was a single friend I’d kept contact with, but admittedly hadn’t seen much of. When we made the move for some reason I guess I assumed people would still keep in touch despite the distance. The people who really cared about me at least. No one did though. I didn’t know anybody in the new state and nobody I knew in the old state bothered to keep in contact. I was overwhelmingly lonely. I watched an unhealthy amount of anime and Spongebob.

I knew I had to put myself into contact with people to make friends, so I joined a MOPS group. I was placed at a table with the exact right people. It was an instant connection with most of them. Of course I still have internet connection with them, and I see them on regular dates and get togethers. And then, someone I’d known years ago during my Summer Missions time got in touch with me and told me she wanted to just talk. We still text every month or so and catch up about what’s been happening. She and I both have kids of similar ages and know each others families. One person, I’d made contact with in a Facebook group happened to live close to me, and I decided to meet for coffee. She and I have several similarities, and the meeting was good. We’ve started to develop a friendship from there, but it’s still very young.

Through all of this, there have been a couple constants. My other best friend and I have been through some rough patches and had issues over time, but we have also been able to grow and build a strong relationship. He was the third person I made a point to see before we moved. The same time we moved, they moved in the opposite direction. That put quite a bit of physical distance between us. But we manage with regular phone chats. Of course with social media and texting keeping in contact has made long distance a little easier. Now, I would say he is my only best friend. My husband and I also have a friend he met through an old job. We lived next door to them for a while, and since moving have met and been befriended by their family. They were such a magnificent help to us during our big move. Our relationship has relaxed and become more casual. We’ve gone on a few double dates, and usually just lounge about when we hang out. We of course have contact over social media, but most of our contact is face to face or through a phone call.

I’ve seen a lot of friends come and go, and quite a few I still have at least some kind of contact with. But social media contact alone isn’t a proper gauge for a friendship. You don’t have the deep connection from that tiny thread of contact social media provides. Neither does seeing someone once every few years when you make the trek back home and come across them while you’re there visiting your family.

What does classify a good friend?

I always go back to a quote by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

There have been only three people on this earth that I have always felt completely safe with. People I’ve never felt the need to perform for or display only pieces of myself to appease them. My brother, my best friend, and my husband. I have more than one brother, but only one of them do I feel close too. He and I are the closest in age and spent the most time together growing up. We, I think, have the closet relationship out of the siblings. My best friend, the one who I went through that hard patch with, I have never felt awkward with. Even during that time, I had no fear about detailing to him why I was angry with him. And my husband. Even when we first met and I had butterflies galore and I was crushing on him, I never felt afraid of him. I was never cautious that if he knew me completely he’d break up with me. So, I never held anything back, and I still never do. He may be irritating sometimes, but he is still my biggest comfort.

Another trait many people associate with friendship is loyalty. Will that person be with you through thick and thin? This is certainly a good thing to consider. I’ve found more often than not, the answer is no. The term “fair weather friends” didn’t just make itself up. People are willing to ditch their friends for any myriad of reasons. Their new boyfriend didn’t like them, or they didn’t like the new boyfriend. You have a child and they didn’t and don’t feel relatable to you anymore. You separate from your spouse and they don’t approve. You don’t end up separating from your spouse and they don’t approve. You discover you have differing political views and they can’t stand you anymore. You start going to a different gym. On, and on, and on.

I’ve also learned people tend to all have very short term memory. They probably will not remember to give you a call or send a text. Once you no longer have consistent contact with someone, they won’t bother to keep in touch. It seems to just be the norm. When you leave a job, most of your coworkers, even ones you were friends with, will probably fade away because you won’t be put in contact with them everyday at work. When you graduate school, it’s not likely you will keep those fellow classmate friendships you had. You aren’t running into them and looking them in the face regularly, so you drift apart and forget each other. It is just what seems to happen. The old adage, “out of sight out of mind” is apparently true for human relationships. This is probably why when I was younger I heard several times, long distance relationships don’t work. Apparently, most humans can’t hold onto relationships from far away.

Some may say a good friend has similar interests, is trustworthy, is honest. And I’d agree, but I’d also say that all of those kind of roll back into the person you feel safe with. That person who you have no fear of leaving because you told them a dark secret. A person that understands your humor is someone you are comfortable with. A person who can hear your story, love you, maybe give you some hard honest advice, hug you, and help you move forward. That person, is your comfort and safe zone.

But I will say, a good friend is a dependable friend. The one you can count on to be there for that hard moment, and the good moment. Sometimes, stuff happens, especially if you and your friend have kids and dates have to be cancelled. But when a friend cancels every date one after the other, or simply doesn’t show up, it wears you down. You can’t rely on them to make it to a scheduled date, or at least text you before and let you know plans have changed. How will you depend on them when you really need them? When you call scared and alone, are they available to you? When you need advice, are they willing to chat? Everyone has schedules and everyone is busy, but are they always too busy for your friendship? If you need help, do they tell you I’ll call you back when I’m not swamped and we can talk or do they just ignore you and never call back. Can you depend on them at all? That is a marker of a good friend. Can you depend on them.

Going through life, particularly if you are an emotional or empathetic person, you will develop bonds with people. And even if you know in your head how humans work, losing one of those bonds hurts. It can wound you deeply. I know that I for a time didn’t want to meet any new people. I was afraid of making friends because why should I if they’re all just going to abandon me? I, apparently, put way more meaning into a relationship than the other person does and time after time, I’ve been burned. It makes me overly wary of new people. I’ve lost a friend over a boyfriend. I lost a friend over religion. I lost many friends over church. I lost a friend over a false rumor. I’ve been wounded and not sure if having friendships was even worth it. I don’t trust new friends.

But humans need other humans. It’s just how we are made. If I lock myself in and refuse to have contact with people, my anxiety amplifies, it grows, it starts to over take me. I need to be outside. I need nature. And I need friends. We all need friends. Study after study has shown that social interactions help not only our mental health, but physical health as well. A study done in Alameda County, California of more than 7,000 men and women, begun in 1965, Lisa F. Berkman and S. Leonard Syme found that people who were disconnected from others were roughly three times more likely to die during the nine-year study than people with strong social ties. We need to be around other human beings.

So I’m learning that out of all the connections I’ve made throughout my life, most of them will probably melt away. I probably won’t have the same relationships in 10 years as I do right now. But out of those many, I’ve made a few deep connections. I’ve had to go through a lot of friendships to find the ones that really stick. So the adults in my teen years were right. I do only have a few good friends, and that is better. Because they are my comfort, they are loyal and they are dependable.

And that really is what a good friend is isn’t it? The person you can find comfort in that won’t be scared away by who you are. The person you can depend on to be there for you, and that is only shown by experience. The person who is loyal, that will make the effort to keep in touch and keep building the friendship, even if you don’t see each other every day, and that is only shown with time. And you will probably only have a small handful of these good friends, and that’s not only ok, that is better.