Has anyone ever told you someone liked the idea of them, but didn’t actually like them? What does that even mean?
We humans like to put things into little boxes. We like structure, categories, things to be black or white.
In relation to other people, we like to be able to seperate them into groups. It’s easier to like a 1 dimensional character that always wears the same clothes and has 5 defining traits we can depend on them to default to. It makes them easy for us to understand. We don’t have to invest a lot of time to know them, and they pose no risk of confusing us.
An easy place to see this is when people find out a person likes something, and suddenly they exclusively buy that person that one thing. Like a person who likes sea turtles being gifted turtle themed gifts by everyone. This happened to me at one point, but with a movie I liked. I became one dimensional. My defining feature being I liked that movie and everyone knew it. I liked lots of movies, but no one asked, they’d only talk about that one.
But the world exists in the grey areas. Humans are multi dimensional and complex.
Sometimes we will do this to ourselves. We feel the need to define ourselves and we end up putting ourselves into little boxes. We give ourselves a clothing style to wear, a music genre to like, a favorite TV show, and then we don’t venture outside our little compartments.
But no one ever fits completely into one stereotype. There exists a “basic” girl who doesn’t like flavored coffees or Ugg boots. A “sports jock” that doesn’t like lifting weights. Because no matter what labels we slap on things, we won’t ever be able to truly erect walls and compartmentalize the world.
So instead we sometimes retreat and refuse to interact with other humans. We can be afraid of getting to know someone, or too lazy to put in the effort that takes. Some people though learn a few defining traits about someone and then fill in the gaps themselves. Or they construct an entire personality from a distance. This sometimes happens with parents towards their kids. They make up a perosna and picture perfect life they want for their kid. Problem is, kids are their own people and they may not have the personality their parents imagined for them. They may not want the same life their parent dreamt up.
We construct the idea of the person and who we think they are without knowing the actual nitty gritty and intimate details of that person. And often, we don’t really want to know those things, we are content with our faulty idea of them. It’s easier for us to look at the pretty cheerleader and fill in our own perceptions of who they are.
Sometimes we like the idea of dating the pretty cheerleader but not getting to know the deeper aspects of her. Parents like the idea of having a doctor child, but don’t consider their child’s feelings. Or worse, they like the idea of having a child and the cute parts, but don’t care to put in the hard work parenting takes.
When this is a loose acquaintance, it doesn’t usually have much consequence. However if it were a parent to a child, An individual to their partner or a close friend, it can have terrible consequences. Discovering that someone you thought cared knows incredibly little about you, it hurts. When you finally figure out why they don’t seem to remember details you have told them is because they forget the things that don’t match their idea of you on purpose, its wounding. It makes you feel raw and alone.
Because someone you love doesnt love you in return, they merely love the idea of you.
Dose of Sunshine 